No one can do your life as beautifully as you... no one....

I was sent these words this morning by a very dear friend and someone whom holds a very special place in my heart..... 

..... words that went deep.... that stirred profound emotions...


"I can feel the life force in you and your courageously containing and breathing

it - it is strong and beautiful..."

They underpin that which my life is resting upon at the moment.  The very foundations that shake but steadfastly refuse to be destroyed.

I have conjured up many roles and images for myself over the years and yet here I find myself without having fully embraced a single one of them – at least not for any length of time. And so I breathe, I engage, I feel deep unrest and unease amidst flurries of the most extraordinary excitement, suspense and absolute awe at that which tantalizingly dares to manifest. This has been my reality for a little while now… a tense, turbulent reality scattered with the most precious and deeply moving peace and serenity. To have created the freedom to be anyone, go anywhere, do anything, is so extraordinary in its pressures and gifts.

What if there is something to be said for divine timing?!

What if there is something to be said for creating every moment at free will?!

What if life is a beautiful and profound combination of both…..

My life, at this present moment certainly seems to fall into both those categories.

No one person gives me a harder time than I give myself over where I have got to in life or not got to – according to where I thought I would be – and no one person has the right to judge, just as I have no right to judge anyone else, not even my closest friends, family members and colleagues.

So, why did the above message and sentiment affect me so greatly today….

"I can feel the life force in you and your courageously containing and breathing it - it is strong and beautiful..."

Despite my life not outwardly looking the way I thought it might…. inwardly I am richer than I could ever dare to dream to be and I know that there is so much more to come in both regards. And yes, part of it is creating it every step of the way and part of it is breathing into and trusting the divine timing of my life.

And it seems to me as I ponder the “now” that the flow of life is different for each and every one of us. Each of our journey’s is unique… the timing, learning’s and lessons distinctive and so very special for each one of us. I have tried to force the pace of my life on more than one occasion and more than once have felt the frustration of things not happening as quickly as I would like. And so I have learnt deeply the value of patience and being “present”.

The outer stage that many in the personal development world would have me believe is waiting for me to take action and step up to has actually become the inner stage of holding my strength and integrity, truth and valour.

So, if it is perceived by you or someone else that you are not taking as much action as you could or that your life does not look quite the way you might have imagined….. if you are reading this, then I would hazard a guess that the life force in you is immeasurably strong too. Hold true to the courage of your convictions and stay with your breath for you are also so very strong and beautiful in your authenticity.

My instincts, my gut, my cells repeatedly tell me that I am exactly where I need to be…. the strength that it takes to keep believing that defies even my own logic. To hold the well of love and compassion that I have and desire to share is no easy feat…. trust me. As the tears well up, I am fit to bursting with how much I have to give and to share… my time will come. I believe that with every ounce of my being and I know, I know with absolute certainty that so will yours.

Feel your own life force within you and honor the sanctity of your own instincts and truth…. for no one else can do your life as beautifully as you….. NO ONE.

Your life… your pace…

Love and blessings, always

Nikola

I can be creative, a goddess and monogamous!!! Who knew?!

I've been reading with interest for the past few weeks the rising number of blogs and talks and messages and posts relating to polyamory. I always aim to read with interest and without judgement any topic that seems to be hitting the "spiritual" headlines. (I don't read any other headlines). On this eternal quest for furthering my intuitive wisdom and knowledge... leave no stone unturned.

However, no matter how much I read and absorb and question and wonder.... I am simply not drawn to it. Sharing multiple partners in an open and loving and deeply connecting way just doesn't ring my bells. And, as I say, in making no judgements, I pay no mind to people that do feel drawn to express themselves and to explore themselves in this way.

There is a piece of this that I do struggle with though and it is this.

I recently engaged in a conversation with a beautiful, enigmatic and deeply intuitive woman who was questioning her spirituality and so-called enlightened state of mind and heart because her husband desired to go off and explore with other women in a polyamorous way.
What roused my curiosity and frustration was that she was questioning her place as an "enlightened goddess" because she did not wish him or desire him to share himself with other women in any way. Least of all in the name of enlightened spirituality.

(For the record, we are all enlightened - every single one of us, right here, right now.)

Her question to me was how can I find a way of accepting that this is okay?! As though it would deepen her spiritual quest and make her a more rounded and whole being. My simple answer.... if it is not okay with you, then it is simply not okay and that is your truth. Your unique, simple truth.

By all means, broaden your mind and your horizons and question yourself and test your boundaries and comfort zones but do not do it at the cost of your divine intuition and values. Every single one of us has different values that underpin who and what we are and how we go about navigating life. I would suggest to anyone that they approach with caution something that does not feel natural and actually raises your hackles just a little. The body has a beautiful way of showing us the warning signs if we pay attention.

I also had a conversation recently with a very lovely friend of mine who does engage in tantra and the polyamory scene and I found myself wondering, for a short time, if this was the only way that I was going to release my real creativity and unlock all of my juicy feminine essence by becoming a free spirit and to engage with myself outside of monogamy.

What is really interesting is that this dialogue with myself did not last for long. There are more ways than one to release old patterns and to evoke your creativity and feminine essence. Writing, dance, poetry, singing, movement, toning, meditation to name but a few.
What was more interesting is that when I went deeper to engage with the idea... I found myself experiencing in my cells and remembering a time in days gone by (aka past lives / parallel paradigms) where I did engage in polyamory and also in ritualistic sexual acts. Remembering these experiences in some way affirmed to me that this is not my path in this lifetime.

And so a word to the curious..... engage in a full and deep dialogue with yourself before engaging in something that could be detrimental to your soul.... and do not believe for one minute that something you either engage in or not, makes you either more or less spiritual. More or less a God or Goddess. You are already enlightened, you just have to remember.

The only thing that matters is what is real and true for you.

I was simply drawn to write this blog to redress the balance in favour of monogamy!!!!

Love and blessings, always
Nikola xxx

Thank you to the Guy, at 15 years of age, who told me I was boring...

You see if that guy, on the train, hadn't told me I was boring at age 15... I would not have held that belief for so long and if I had not held that belief for so long, I would not have had to dig really deep for the truth. And the truth of the matter is that I'm actually a deeply interesting person, multi-faceted with a lust for learning and understanding.

Thank you to the girl in the playground at the age of 9 who came up to me whilst I was sitting quietly on my own, pulled my eyelids down and told me I was anaemic and that's why I had no friends. In digging deep I understand the power of words and how they can heal and how they can harm and so I choose to think about my words and their impact. I don't always succeed but the intent is there.

Thank you to the friend who told me that they were disappointed in me. For in the rejection of those words and in feeling that I had somehow failed as a person and as a friend, I had to dig really deep to find self acceptance and to honour my own path and choices not those belonging to someone else. 

Thank you to my Dad for not being able to say out loud that "he loves me" for in never hearing it I had to dig really deep to know that the most profound love comes from an inner knowing and an inner understanding that we are already love - we just have to remember. And in digging really deep I discovered that I did not need to hear the words, I already knew.

Thank you to the man who raped me at 19 for if he hadn't I would not have spent years disowning and disrespecting my body. I have had to dig really deep for this one. If I had not spent years disowning and disrespecting my body, I would not now be on a path of total and absolute alignment with my higher self. Total and absolute alignment with the sacredness of my body. And the total and absolute truth of the beauty and wonder that can be shared between a man and a woman. I am truly, truly grateful. 

As I write all of the above, there are tears.... tears of gratitude for the pain and the suffering for each uncomfortable moment has brought me to where I am now.

There is much on the internet and Facebook around Love and Gratitude at the moment... it seems we are being asked to be more aware and we are collectively understanding the importance of stepping into these two states. However, I urge you not to simply find solace in the words of others, in beautiful quotes or in beautiful pictures but to dig deep and find the places, the dark uncomfortable places in your life and find true gratitude for them. See how every moment that has brought you to your knees has caused you to dig deep and come through stronger, lighter, more loving, more giving... whatever the truth may be for you. And it is your truth. No-one else's. 

When you can be truly grateful for every moment that has caused you pain or heartache then life takes on a different hue... you realise that you designed it all perfectly to become the best and truest version of yourself. 

It may be that you are right in the middle of something that is testing your resolve (I know I am)... dig a little deeper... find the perfection.... dig a little deeper.... find the inner knowing.... and be deeply, deeply grateful.

In gratitude and in love, always

Nikola xx

What happens when we suppress our emotions..... ?!

When we suppress our emotions our bodies react in a way that is not helpful. And can lead to being very unhealthy.

What is happening in between the spaces of the lines of your story....?!

Feel and hear what is happening in the spaces between the lines of your story.....

You are already everything.....

"Would that I could be all that I sense I am.....
Would that I could be all that I feel I am....
Would that I could be all that I know I am.... "

"But don't you see, my dear, you already are... and so much more besides"

Could it be that what I once knew without question or feign was the truth?! Could it be that the complexity is made up of all that is so simple to understand? Is it possible that I am coming to know now what I have always known, without fear, judgment or recourse.... Can it be that the answer was here all the time, not just within me but around me and through me and every piece a part of me and beyond?

Time is illusory.... I know not when I was first born into love, born of love... a part of love but I feel its seed inside of me, growing exponentially with every breath, with every heartbeat, with every desire to be more of love, a part of love, a part of me.

To look back on the course of one's life and to be able to smile incandescently at the up's, the down's, the high's, the low's.... no need for pithy anecdotal evidence. The drama's have all been superseded by the simple and most beautiful knowledge that all of life is the most precious gift. Within each wound is the gift of grace. Within each heartache, the gift of strength and power. Within each fall, the gift of a hand, an embrace, a heartbeat.

You see, I can't know any more now than I've always known.

The simplicity in this extraordinary knowledge is peace. No more. No less.

I see me.

I truly see me. Effervescent, light, angelic. Beautiful. No need to be special. I just am. A unique expression of a world so creatively balanced on a knife edge of all that is inextricably bound within our thoughts and our deeds.

You see me. I see you.

You see me. You see you.

The most true reflection. Being to being. Heart to heart.

As I place my hand on my heart so the world is a kaleidoscope of colours of every hue. Fragmenting and bouncing back to you the essence of your own heart.  Be still. Be true.

Profoundity from simplicity. You need know nothing else. You already know all there is to know. Be open and hear the music play upon the heart strings of your own song.

The Universe is a gift to you. Be grateful, be compassionate and see your world reflected there. It matters not your role or religion.... just another fractal of the whole. A kaleidoscope of all our dreams. Be mesmerised. Remember.

With love and blessings, always
Nikola xx

Are you ready to fully experience yourself....?!

So, as I dive deeper into a more intimate relationship with myself, I am ever more aware of the need and desire to be vulnerable, to be gentle and not to judge. As I dive deeper into an unparalleled understanding of the self, my self...I am increasingly aware of being met by some extraordinary energies. Both my own and the energies around me.

By diving into my vulnerability, I am getting to know my own innate power. The ying and yang, the push and pull, the complex and the simple. Authentic and true.... 

As I dive deeper into a more intimate relationship with myself, my mind, my body, my emotions, I am ever more conscious of my desire to serve humanity. I am increasingly aware that by seeking out my own vulnerability I have discovered my own power and the way that I currently wish to work with people. I say currently as I fundamentally believe that we are all like unfinished pieces of art or sculpture. We are creative works in progress, ever changing, ever evolving. 

Through diving into the depths of every nuance of my self, deep and lasting healing has taken place. How do I know this? There is a feeling of lightness of simply knowing. An inner smiling. 

The effectiveness is in the simplicity....

The results are in response to the desire....

Are you ready to fully experience your self? Your vulnerability and your power. Are you ready to open your heart and experience more sensations in your body? To be more aware. Are you ready to begin to heal? To feel lighter, to smile more. 

If you are interested in experiencing a session to fully experience yourself then why not send me a message.

In service and in love,

Nikola xxx

Dare to bare....

Never be afraid to be vulnerable....
In fact I positively urge you to be so.

It is in our ability to allow ourselves to be vulnerable that we can find our greatest power, our greatest wisdom and finally learn to trust in the complete package of who we are. 

The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the indifferent... they are all parts of you.
Your vulnerability will serve you if you allow yourself to sit with it.... no matter how uncomfortable that may feel.

Don't believe me, try it.
Watch the video.

Dare to bare...

"You are not everything you can be until you have dared to be vulnerable..." (c) Nikola King 2013

Permission to have a "God Complex" and "Be Inappropriate".... Courtesy of JC.

So, this blog post will be a treat of a diversion from my usual posts (or will it?!). 
Dedicated simply to the "bigging up" of one individual.... aka Mr Jamie Catto.

As hinted at by the title of this blog, this unapologetic wittering is intended to let other people know of his genius and encourage them wholeheartedly to sign up to one of his workshops... my support of all things Jamie Catto can be neatly categorised by the simple fact that for two whole days I was given permission to have a God complex and vociferously encouraged to be inappropriate.... well, why wouldn't you?!

Given that Jamie's self confessed abhorrence towards "appropriate" people was voiced early on, I did wonder whether I shouldn't just grab my coat at this very early juncture and bid a hasty retreat. Danger is, you retreat back to whence you came and dont get to see and to feel all the annoyingly valuable insights about yourself throughout the rest of the weekend.

I was just going to have to get over the fact that I am the most appropriate person I know and literally get 'over myself.' So, here is a question for you? Where does being appropriate get you? 

I can honestly say that being of a sensitive nature, I go out of my way to ensure that I don't offend, upset, behave inappropriately with anyone. Where do you think that gets me? Intriguingly people find themselves feeling offended or upset or feeling like I have behaved inappopriately because I'm not always voicing my truth in those moments. 

So, I got to be rude over the weekend - suffice to say it needs a little more practice (having spent years dampening down this side of my personality) but ironically when I am rude, it commands more respect because I'm being more authentic. 

Learning how to say, "Fuck Off" (sorry, mum) from a place of love is liberating.... 

And, what you will get from Jamie is no holes barred love and support (just so long as you don't make any apologies for who you are)... 

We are multi faceted, multi personality, multi dimensional creatures. All that we are is quite amazing just so long as you embrace the good, the bad and the ugly about you. 

So, what's it really like spending time with Jamie Catto and friends....?! Have no expectations and you will gain everything. If you are ready to step into a space of authenticity, truth and an awareness that we are more than just a little bit 'crazy' around the edges then I would urge you to go and spend some time with him. 

Jamie is clearly passionate about the work that he does - that's why I find myself in this space supporting his work and wanting to share.... I have no attachment other than hoping that at some stage in the future Jamie will begin to find me a little less "appropriate".

Jamie Catto.... YOU ROCK!!!

www.jamiecatto.com... the wonderful world of JC and it is a wonderful world to be a small part of, not least because of the other awesome beings you are destined to meet.

As always, shared with love 
(and with this edition a generous helping of God complex and inappropriateness)

Nikola xx

Turn around once in a while and smile at who you were.......

I've always loved words.... primarily the feeling of how words come together without thinking too hard about  what it is that I am trying to say or even how it may come across. Perhaps that's the crux of the matter for me. 'Words coming together without having to think too hard.....' As a self-confessed thinker and analyzer of that which does not need to be analyzed, finding something that can take me out of that head space is a true gift. I wonder, is this what it means to be in the flow.... allowing the sub conscious to perforate the conscious and dictatorial mind. 

I've tried other creative pursuits.... dancing, singing, art... all of which my head is still bound by its seemingly rightful place as dominant over my heart. Heavily practised in the art of criticism and profound ability to see that which is not perfect; and yet when I write my heart is ever present, ever knowing and ever seeing. When I write from the heart there are no boundaries and most importantly no judgments from myself.

So, why this particular blog?!

I came across a piece of writing yesterday that I would like to share with you that emphasizes the importance for me, of recognising where we have come from and where we are now. I have spoken before about not being drawn into the drama of a situation as it reinforces the emotions that may have been felt at the time. However, I do believe that there is deep and hidden value in once in a while, stopping, taking time to breathe, turning around and smiling at the steps that you have taken to take you from one place to the next. We do not celebrate ourselves enough. So quick to judge. So quick to be critical. So quick to not take time to stand and stare. Moreover, the importance of seeing and holding true the value of having been in that situation. 

I'm not sure when I wrote this piece. I am sharing because it reminded me in no uncertain terms just how far I have come. It is also a reminder to me that we are all vulnerable and fallible. These are strengths, not weaknesses. That we have the capacity to choose to learn from the choices we make is no happy coincidence. We are powerful beyond our own ability to comprehend. And it also makes me realise that even in my darker moments, I had a propensity for words. 

What is profoundly interesting for me in the following piece of writing is that I no longer see the girl that I am talking about, rather I feel deeply proud of the way the words are put together, their poetic hum and their ability to evoke emotion....

"To be honest, I am not very fond of my own company. I am not unaware that this fact has a tendency to make life somewhat difficult, given that wherever you go, there you are. Perhaps if I could remember when I first became aware of my distaste of my own existence, I could go back and re-write all beliefs and behaviours that have served to compound my inability to find myself either interesting or entertaining. I’d even settle for quirky. Surely everyone has the innate ability to be a little quirky sometimes, but alas... even that one seems to elude me. My therapist has the notion that my fascination with past life experiences have left my present worldly role somewhat lacking. I am sure that as a Gladiator under the shadows of the Great Coliseum of Ancient Rome and even being burnt at the stake as a witch left me, personally, in no doubt that my company was worthy of note. So, I am sure that you can begin to understand my dilemma.

To be honest, I don't recall ever being very fond of my own company. You would think that after two years, I’d be more than practised in the art of entertaining myself with thoughtful monologue or, that at the very least I would have come to relish the emergence of the extra voices that seem to echo around me. Yet, as I lie here in the vast and empty confines of my inner prison, I have yet to find a way of accepting the reality that the self, moreover my self, is not always enough. Now don’t get me wrong, the overly drawn out episodes of self-pity have long since passed. Ironically, in my state, I was in no position to end it all myself. So self-pity, albeit that it was a reflection I could still feel deeply and have irrational thoughts, did become more than a little pointless. I mean, what’s the point in self-pity if no-one else can hear you."

The mind loves proof. The above is proof of how far I have come but also proof that my gifts have been with me and remain with me regardless of the situations that I place myself in. Taking stock and noticing them from time to time is a great way to place a smile on your lips. 

What has always been with you, even in the darker moments? What do you find yourself doing when life gets a little tough to draw you out of your own reverie?

And if you don't, try writing, drawing, painting, dancing, singing, cooking, gardening, walking in nature.... what would the child in you do?!

And remember to...

Turn around once in a while and smile at who you were.....

For without them, you wouldn't be who you are.....

With love always

Nikola

Walk on water....

You said that you could walk on water


But your ego told you lies

You sunk beneath the waves of life

And gasped and flailed – you died


Within the depths you learned to breathe

And drowned out all the noise

Within your heart a stone, it turned

Life is different now


You said that you could walk on water

The soul it knows no lies

You’ve learned to ride the waves of life

You’re free, you’re one, Alive


Within the depths you learned to breathe

And drowned out all the noise

Within your heart a stone it turned

Life is peaceful now


The waves of life now hold you up

Not drag you down below

Dare you let yourself to dream 

To walk on water now

Doorways and Hallways....

"When one door closes another one opens....." 
~Alexander Graham Bell~

This quote goes on to say that often we spend so long looking at the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened in front of us.....
I have always loved this quote and yet it strikes me that if we do not see the open door, we are not necessarily aware that we have missed the opportunity except that we remain where we were, likely in an uncomfortable place or one that we wish would change.

On further reflection on this quote, it would seem pertinent to suggest that what is even worse is that we see an open door but we wait for someone else to take our hand and guide us through. Or we wait for someone else to drag us kicking and screaming through the door or to give us a gentle / hefty (delete as appropriate) kick up the derriere and launch us through the door.

Would any of these options give us the satisfaction that we are clearly looking for by seeking a new opportunity - looking for that open doorway?! I can be fairly certain that the initial joy of reaching the other side would be short lived and we'd soon be looking for another doorway to give us what we were looking for in the first place.

Forgive me if I am talking too much in metaphor.....

I had the opportunity to do a radio interview this week about my work and my message and one of the most important messages that I wish to share at the moment relates to the metaphorical splurge above.

We are living in very interesting times on an individual and global scale... and what is becoming more and more apparent to me is that there is an increasing number of teachers out there offering their support and guidance on how best to navigate our own personal trials and also how to navigate the global issues that are self evident. So, who do you follow? Whose advice and guidance do you seek? Who do you believe? Who do you trust? Who's telling the truth? Who is going to best help you in your particular personal dilemma, whatever that might be?

When you are in that dark hallway with the closed door behind you and the open doorway in front of you and you are alone, who do you ask about what should be your next move? There are no other ways out and there is no way that anyone else can find you in this hallway. What do you do?
Do you sit waiting and praying that someone will find you?
Do you re-enter the darkness to try and find the door through which you came?
Or do you start to trust the voice of intuition? Do you start to hear the voice of your heart and your head urging you to step towards the open door? What's the worst that can happen?
How would it feel to walk through that open doorway unaided into a new and exciting and vibrant opportunity?!

Let me make something extraordinarily clear.. I am in no way, shape or form suggesting that all those beautiful teachers and souls out there who are doing amazing work are superfluous to our requirements... quite the contrary. However, what I am saying is that as individuals we need to use discernment in our choice of which teachers we feel aligned to and whose message we resonate with. There is no right or wrong answer here.

I know I am not the only one in the field of personal development who spent many years going to as many workshops and different programmes as possible in order to "find myself"... trouble is that in an effort to find myself in amongst the multitude of different teachings I was hearing, I actually lost a sense of my truth, my awareness and most importantly my intuition. This was not down to the teachers or the courses but down to my desire to find myself. In hindsight, some of my time would have been better placed being still and with myself. Being with me and my intuition and my own inner guidance.  When we have a better understanding of ourselves and a deep awareness of who we are, then we can make a conscious decision to take on board what a teacher has said or disregard it as not important to us, as an individual.

So, in essence, what I am encouraging you to do.... is to become more deeply aware and aligned to who you are. Spend time with yourself, listening to your own inner voice and time listening to the needs of your body and mind for they are unique to you.

Then when a teacher, guide, coach, mentor, friend shows you an open door of opportunity... you have everything within you to make the choice to step through on your own, should you choose to do so.

The most important relationship we have is with ourselves....
Listen, learn and love.....

As always, shared with love

Nikola xx

The Idle Ramblings of a Wannabe Insomniac...(tongue in cheek)

Monday February 11th at midnight..... 

After unsuccessfully getting my required sleep quota the previous two nights, Monday I chose to put myself to bed at the heady time of 19h00..... At midnight, the horizontal position became a little tedious and so to ease the inanity of the situation I wrote the following stream of consciousness.... an exercise successfully used by many to empty the mind in order to aid a deep and restful sleep.... please be mindful that I was still awake at 04:30am on Tuesday morning having not dropped off to sleep at all.

This blog is shared with a hint of irony, some simple moments of truth in the present moment, a generous dose of vulnerability and a desire to suggest that humor is most definitely needed at all times.Note to self: Really must make more time to laugh at myself...

I can't sleep. My mind is a whir of constant thoughts and trying to work out feelings about a number of different subjects. Unfortunately they are topics that are close to the core of who I am and the person I am here to express in the world.
Come to think of it, my mind is always a whir of thoughts and trying to work things out, to make sense in order to take action. Not sure I am even capable of rationalising anymore, I'm just trying to find a way, my way. 

And here I find myself repeating the haunting mantra, get out of your head and into your heart, there is no try, just be. And yet in my current state, this brings little comfort. I wouldn't call it anger as such, but there is most definitely a level of frustration and a level of wishing that I could completely surrender and let go of the need for my mind to control every action. I am tired physically (that'll be the lack of sleep) and I am tired emotionally. My eyes are tired, my skin is tired and yet my brain won't let me drift into a peaceful slumber.

What questions am I not asking? Are my thoughts really so unhelpful as to keep this little reality of mine on an ever spinning wheel?

Thoughts become things, choose the good ones. Dear Lord, I'm trying. There's that word again, 'trying'. How does one get to 'be' without 'trying'? Is there not always going to be an element of thought in the process of letting go and releasing? Don't we have to recognise that which we need to let go of and does the recognising that not come from feeling it and having a thought witness it?

So, maybe a better question would be, how do I get my damned mind to work in harmony with my heart, not in belligerent opposition? 

How do I act from a heart centred space knowing that my thoughts will support and not blindly cause me to go in entirely the opposite direction, or worse still just bury my head in the vast sands of the desert? And which question should I be asking about what topic and in what order?

If I address this conversation to God, will he answer. Therein lies another conundrum. If my head got out of my own way, I might actually be able to hear his answers. That's an interesting subject matter. Did beheading people bring them closer to God in the fastest way, out of all the old forms of execution? I'm not suggesting I try it, merely musing on it. But then musing, whilst its a softer and more congenial word is still a form of thinking, is it not?

Sleep deprivation - is this being brought on by a higher source so that I simply no longer have the capacity to think...

Unfortunately, it would seem that whilst it might leave me bereft of the ability to form coherent sentences (although I appear not to be doing too badly at the moment) it does not disable my ability to be hard on myself for being unable to function.

And just how much does one have to write whilst doing a stream of consciousness exercise in order to induce a sleep like state? This notebook has rather a large number of pages left in it which is fodder to my mind. My mind seems to find the challenge strangely exciting.

Maybe if I keep writing I will fall into some unconscious coma and will start channeling some deeply profound and ground breaking...... and there, I lost my train of thought. Oh the irony. Guess the ego really isn't allowed to be part of that process. To even think it caused the words to stop flowing.

Irony - I love writing and quite frankly, wish I was doing more of it, just not necessarily out of a desperation to sleep. Meditation is good for sleep - not so, when you are thinking so hard about how to meditate in order to induce a sleep state.

It was at this point that I stopped writing due to thinking too much.......

Shared with a large dose of humour and a wry smile...

Love, as always

Nikola xx

Rape - Is your anger mis-placed?!

When I write a blog, I have always trusted that my intent behind it comes from a place of love and of sharing. None more so that than this blog as it will be quite raw, perhaps even provocative for some and I sense that others may feel that I have shared too much. Please see beyond your initial reaction and ask yourself why my sharing this may have made you feel uncomfortable, awkward or vulnerable. 

You see, I don't write from a place of having all the answers. I don't live my life from a place of having the answers. I live my life more and more from a place of experiencing, learning and sharing. To my mind to offer wise counsel you have to come from a place of openness and vulnerability. A simple sharing of your own truth in the moment.

'From pain, hurt and sadness comes the opportunity  to fly on the wings of love, peace and joy'

I'm not sure how much I have spoken previously about how I believe that painful experiences where we have been hurt in some way shape or form, are held in the body on a cellular level.  I guess what I am expressing is that when we experience some kind of trauma, the emotions relating to that experience are held in the body until we release them. And release them we must if we are to be healthy of mind, body and soul. I sense that there may be an appropriate timing for this to occur, especially where deep trauma is concerned. I also believe that there needs to be an awareness that we are holding those negative emotions in our body, in the first place. 

In the last few days I have had cause to release some deeply held trauma in my body. The reason for needing to do so was an overwhelming sense that if I didn't, I would not... my life could not move forwards. 

Let me start at the beginning of how this trauma came to be in my body.  I allude to this story in my recently released book but it feels appropriate to be slightly more candid and more truthful with myself about the situation.

At the age of 19, I was raped whilst holidaying in Corfu. It was not brutal or scarring on a physical level and sadly something that I am all too aware, far too many girls experience. What I chose to do in the moments after the incident have led to where I found myself yesterday. I chose to internalise the experience and blame myself for the whole episode. Seventeen years on I finally gave myself permission to be angry at someone else rather than myself. 

Internalising and blaming myself resulted in me holding on to the emotional trauma of the experience. That has resulted in my being unable to emotionally connect in a sexual way with any man since. I have loved and I have met some amazing and loving men but I have never been able to sustain those relationships because I couldn't love myself on a sexually intimate level. Something that I believe more and more to be intrinsic to a balanced, loving, open, vulnerable and passionate relationship. It is also important for me to say that this is true for me and may not be someone else's truth.

I had to all intents and purposes shut that part of myself down to a deep and destructive level. Sex became an act based in the head. Sex became too easy to do because I didn't respect my body. And yet, all I have ever craved is the intimacy and heart-centred sex that allows your body to feel everything on every level. Getting out of my head and into my heart was not an option as far as this intimate act was concerned. My body would not allow me to be intimate because I did not love my body. When I talk about loving my body, I refer to the ability to be totally vulnerable with another person. The greatest gift that we can give to another person....

I have recently met someone with whom I connect on a very deep, emotional and soulful level. Quite simply, I love him on every level. And yet, I found myself in what I can only describe as a frightening place. You would suspect, I suspected that when you are that connected to someone and feel their love and trust them implicitly that the physical side of the relationship will come easily and effortlessly. I could not have been more wrong. 

I felt threatened. I felt scared and my whole body reacted. I did not want to have sex. I could not make love to this amazing, beautiful soul. I literally shut down on every possible level. I saw the face of the man who raped me and I felt every emotion that I felt at the time. I was literally shaking. My heart was hard and my hands were cold. I was still holding onto the experience of rape at a very deep and real level.

I had choice in that moment. 

I could walk away from this man and feel safe again, so to speak, or I could do what my body has needed me to do for seventeen years. To let go of the incessant pain I was causing myself by blaming myself and use my anger in a far more healing way. Because this beautiful man understood, we were able to perform the act, in order for me to move beyond it. This was absolutely necessary for me. To not revert to my safe haven of never letting myself go or to be truly intimate with someone. For the first time I was able to direct my anger towards the one person who deserved it. The man who raped me. 

You see, I finally made sense of the fact that there are simply no circumstances where rape at any level is okay or acceptable. It is not. 

The most important thing is that I made a choice to love. Fundamentally I chose to love myself and my body again. And in doing so, opened myself up fully in the most vulnerable way any person can giving myself the chance to love on every level. To love mentally, emotionally, spiritually and most importantly in this case, sexually.

The reason I am sharing this is that when healing happens for one person in this way, it means that healing can happen for others who have had similar experiences. If you are reading this and it is resonating on some level then you are opening yourself up to the possibility of being healed too. A shift in one person's consciousness can shift the collective conscious if people are aware and take their own action and choices. Therefore, I am sharing this story, gifting you the chance to truly love yourself; and an other. 

Anger is a destructive emotion if mis-placed and turned inwards. Anger in this instance is incredibly cathartic and healing..... 
Be aware of where your anger resides and whom the anger is directed towards. Is it serving you or destroying you? Externalise that which is internal and deep healing can take place. 

Trust what you need to do in your own life and find someone whom you trust and love unconditionally to help you heal. I am not sure that healing of this nature can be done alone. 

Be gentle and be kind to yourself. 

Shared as always with love....

Trust and let go.......

Nikola xxx