Rape - Is your anger mis-placed?!

When I write a blog, I have always trusted that my intent behind it comes from a place of love and of sharing. None more so that than this blog as it will be quite raw, perhaps even provocative for some and I sense that others may feel that I have shared too much. Please see beyond your initial reaction and ask yourself why my sharing this may have made you feel uncomfortable, awkward or vulnerable. 

You see, I don't write from a place of having all the answers. I don't live my life from a place of having the answers. I live my life more and more from a place of experiencing, learning and sharing. To my mind to offer wise counsel you have to come from a place of openness and vulnerability. A simple sharing of your own truth in the moment.

'From pain, hurt and sadness comes the opportunity  to fly on the wings of love, peace and joy'

I'm not sure how much I have spoken previously about how I believe that painful experiences where we have been hurt in some way shape or form, are held in the body on a cellular level.  I guess what I am expressing is that when we experience some kind of trauma, the emotions relating to that experience are held in the body until we release them. And release them we must if we are to be healthy of mind, body and soul. I sense that there may be an appropriate timing for this to occur, especially where deep trauma is concerned. I also believe that there needs to be an awareness that we are holding those negative emotions in our body, in the first place. 

In the last few days I have had cause to release some deeply held trauma in my body. The reason for needing to do so was an overwhelming sense that if I didn't, I would not... my life could not move forwards. 

Let me start at the beginning of how this trauma came to be in my body.  I allude to this story in my recently released book but it feels appropriate to be slightly more candid and more truthful with myself about the situation.

At the age of 19, I was raped whilst holidaying in Corfu. It was not brutal or scarring on a physical level and sadly something that I am all too aware, far too many girls experience. What I chose to do in the moments after the incident have led to where I found myself yesterday. I chose to internalise the experience and blame myself for the whole episode. Seventeen years on I finally gave myself permission to be angry at someone else rather than myself. 

Internalising and blaming myself resulted in me holding on to the emotional trauma of the experience. That has resulted in my being unable to emotionally connect in a sexual way with any man since. I have loved and I have met some amazing and loving men but I have never been able to sustain those relationships because I couldn't love myself on a sexually intimate level. Something that I believe more and more to be intrinsic to a balanced, loving, open, vulnerable and passionate relationship. It is also important for me to say that this is true for me and may not be someone else's truth.

I had to all intents and purposes shut that part of myself down to a deep and destructive level. Sex became an act based in the head. Sex became too easy to do because I didn't respect my body. And yet, all I have ever craved is the intimacy and heart-centred sex that allows your body to feel everything on every level. Getting out of my head and into my heart was not an option as far as this intimate act was concerned. My body would not allow me to be intimate because I did not love my body. When I talk about loving my body, I refer to the ability to be totally vulnerable with another person. The greatest gift that we can give to another person....

I have recently met someone with whom I connect on a very deep, emotional and soulful level. Quite simply, I love him on every level. And yet, I found myself in what I can only describe as a frightening place. You would suspect, I suspected that when you are that connected to someone and feel their love and trust them implicitly that the physical side of the relationship will come easily and effortlessly. I could not have been more wrong. 

I felt threatened. I felt scared and my whole body reacted. I did not want to have sex. I could not make love to this amazing, beautiful soul. I literally shut down on every possible level. I saw the face of the man who raped me and I felt every emotion that I felt at the time. I was literally shaking. My heart was hard and my hands were cold. I was still holding onto the experience of rape at a very deep and real level.

I had choice in that moment. 

I could walk away from this man and feel safe again, so to speak, or I could do what my body has needed me to do for seventeen years. To let go of the incessant pain I was causing myself by blaming myself and use my anger in a far more healing way. Because this beautiful man understood, we were able to perform the act, in order for me to move beyond it. This was absolutely necessary for me. To not revert to my safe haven of never letting myself go or to be truly intimate with someone. For the first time I was able to direct my anger towards the one person who deserved it. The man who raped me. 

You see, I finally made sense of the fact that there are simply no circumstances where rape at any level is okay or acceptable. It is not. 

The most important thing is that I made a choice to love. Fundamentally I chose to love myself and my body again. And in doing so, opened myself up fully in the most vulnerable way any person can giving myself the chance to love on every level. To love mentally, emotionally, spiritually and most importantly in this case, sexually.

The reason I am sharing this is that when healing happens for one person in this way, it means that healing can happen for others who have had similar experiences. If you are reading this and it is resonating on some level then you are opening yourself up to the possibility of being healed too. A shift in one person's consciousness can shift the collective conscious if people are aware and take their own action and choices. Therefore, I am sharing this story, gifting you the chance to truly love yourself; and an other. 

Anger is a destructive emotion if mis-placed and turned inwards. Anger in this instance is incredibly cathartic and healing..... 
Be aware of where your anger resides and whom the anger is directed towards. Is it serving you or destroying you? Externalise that which is internal and deep healing can take place. 

Trust what you need to do in your own life and find someone whom you trust and love unconditionally to help you heal. I am not sure that healing of this nature can be done alone. 

Be gentle and be kind to yourself. 

Shared as always with love....

Trust and let go.......

Nikola xxx

The Real Deal.....

This blog post has a slightly different flavour to it as I wanted to share the 'gift' of someone else with you.
One of the things I love doing is connecting and supporting people. 
There is great reward for me in singing the 'praises' of others so to speak and in raising awareness of individuals who have moved me, made a difference in my life, or who I simply feel you need to know. 
I have the very great fortune to class this man as a very close friend and I feel inordinately privileged to be on the receiving end of his friendship and love. 

Why am I telling you about him now....?! In part, because his diary for the year is about to become immersed in travel to far and distant lands offering his guidance and healing to those in Europe, America, Japan and the Southern Hemisphere... so I want to give you the chance of catching him before he departs our shores. 

Moreover, I sense that this time for many is feeling quite confusing and overwhelming. It may simply be because it is the start of a New Year and you are wanting to make changes but not clear on how you wish that to manifest in your life. I am aware of many who are suffering physically and are struggling with their bodies not being as healthy as they would like. It could simply be that this post makes you a little curious.....

Henry Cumming is one of the most authentic and grounded people I know.... his Scottish Heritage gives him a candid, no nonsense approach to the work he does and yet, you only feel warmth and love in his presence. Most importantly for me is that he absolutely loves the work that he does and I believe that it is because of his passion for guiding and healing others that his 'gift' is so extraordinary.

I have experienced Henry's 'gift' for healing firsthand and hence my desire to write this post.

Henry is a medium and has worked with numerous spiritual churches so if your interest lies in that domain then please get in touch with me.
He is also working with a number of cancer patients. Some of the results staggering.
Henry works with broken bones, deep emotional trauma.... if you would like something fixed or your body cleared then please get in touch.

If you would like a reading to gain clarity around some deep and troublesome issues then please get in touch.

This man is the 'real deal' and more importantly... a very lovely and humble human being to go with it.

If I have intrigued you or this resonates with you then you know what to do....

Thank you all....
As always, here to serve

Sent with love and blessings..... 

Nikola xxx