My intention with this blog is to share my truths and to be open and honest with my thoughts and feelings...
I truly welcome your comments and feedback. I would ask you to be mindful of the fact that I am simply speaking from my heart and I would ask that people who choose to comment and join any discussions do the same.
My intent by sharing my story and reflections is to support others on their unique journey and to offer what I have learnt along the way.
I am more than happy to be challenged on anything that I might post but I would ask that you do it from a place of love as I will do with each of my blog posts....

All that leaves me to say, is that I am very much looking forward to connecting with you over the coming weeks and months.....

In love......

Wednesday 13 February 2013

The Idle Ramblings of a Wannabe Insomniac...(tongue in cheek)

Monday February 11th at midnight..... 

After unsuccessfully getting my required sleep quota the previous two nights, Monday I chose to put myself to bed at the heady time of 19h00..... At midnight, the horizontal position became a little tedious and so to ease the inanity of the situation I wrote the following stream of consciousness.... an exercise successfully used by many to empty the mind in order to aid a deep and restful sleep.... please be mindful that I was still awake at 04:30am on Tuesday morning having not dropped off to sleep at all.

This blog is shared with a hint of irony, some simple moments of truth in the present moment, a generous dose of vulnerability and a desire to suggest that humor is most definitely needed at all times.Note to self: Really must make more time to laugh at myself...

I can't sleep. My mind is a whir of constant thoughts and trying to work out feelings about a number of different subjects. Unfortunately they are topics that are close to the core of who I am and the person I am here to express in the world.
Come to think of it, my mind is always a whir of thoughts and trying to work things out, to make sense in order to take action. Not sure I am even capable of rationalising anymore, I'm just trying to find a way, my way. 

And here I find myself repeating the haunting mantra, get out of your head and into your heart, there is no try, just be. And yet in my current state, this brings little comfort. I wouldn't call it anger as such, but there is most definitely a level of frustration and a level of wishing that I could completely surrender and let go of the need for my mind to control every action. I am tired physically (that'll be the lack of sleep) and I am tired emotionally. My eyes are tired, my skin is tired and yet my brain won't let me drift into a peaceful slumber.

What questions am I not asking? Are my thoughts really so unhelpful as to keep this little reality of mine on an ever spinning wheel?

Thoughts become things, choose the good ones. Dear Lord, I'm trying. There's that word again, 'trying'. How does one get to 'be' without 'trying'? Is there not always going to be an element of thought in the process of letting go and releasing? Don't we have to recognise that which we need to let go of and does the recognising that not come from feeling it and having a thought witness it?

So, maybe a better question would be, how do I get my damned mind to work in harmony with my heart, not in belligerent opposition? 

How do I act from a heart centred space knowing that my thoughts will support and not blindly cause me to go in entirely the opposite direction, or worse still just bury my head in the vast sands of the desert? And which question should I be asking about what topic and in what order?

If I address this conversation to God, will he answer. Therein lies another conundrum. If my head got out of my own way, I might actually be able to hear his answers. That's an interesting subject matter. Did beheading people bring them closer to God in the fastest way, out of all the old forms of execution? I'm not suggesting I try it, merely musing on it. But then musing, whilst its a softer and more congenial word is still a form of thinking, is it not?

Sleep deprivation - is this being brought on by a higher source so that I simply no longer have the capacity to think...

Unfortunately, it would seem that whilst it might leave me bereft of the ability to form coherent sentences (although I appear not to be doing too badly at the moment) it does not disable my ability to be hard on myself for being unable to function.

And just how much does one have to write whilst doing a stream of consciousness exercise in order to induce a sleep like state? This notebook has rather a large number of pages left in it which is fodder to my mind. My mind seems to find the challenge strangely exciting.

Maybe if I keep writing I will fall into some unconscious coma and will start channeling some deeply profound and ground breaking...... and there, I lost my train of thought. Oh the irony. Guess the ego really isn't allowed to be part of that process. To even think it caused the words to stop flowing.

Irony - I love writing and quite frankly, wish I was doing more of it, just not necessarily out of a desperation to sleep. Meditation is good for sleep - not so, when you are thinking so hard about how to meditate in order to induce a sleep state.

It was at this point that I stopped writing due to thinking too much.......

Shared with a large dose of humour and a wry smile...

Love, as always

Nikola xx