My intention with this blog is to share my truths and to be open and honest with my thoughts and feelings...
I truly welcome your comments and feedback. I would ask you to be mindful of the fact that I am simply speaking from my heart and I would ask that people who choose to comment and join any discussions do the same.
My intent by sharing my story and reflections is to support others on their unique journey and to offer what I have learnt along the way.
I am more than happy to be challenged on anything that I might post but I would ask that you do it from a place of love as I will do with each of my blog posts....

All that leaves me to say, is that I am very much looking forward to connecting with you over the coming weeks and months.....

In love......

Monday 8 September 2014

News Flash: Studying Physics for Twenty Five Years doesn't necessarily make you good at French

News Flash: 
Studying Physics for Twenty Five Years doesn't necessarily make you good at French


The above statement could be seen to be stating the blindingly obvious. In fact, it probably is.
So, at what point did I think that a lifelong quest into understanding myself, in becoming more self aware, in observing myself, life and other people, did I think that I had everything I needed to make a relationship work.

I assumed (ass - out of - u and me) that by 'knowing' myself to the level that I do, being as conscious as I am (relative to me) and by striking out quite openly on a spiritual journey into the known and un-known that I would have every tool in the book and the necessary self awareness to make a relationship 'work'.

Major Faux Pas.

This blog has come about after I listened gratefully to a 'Simon on the Sofa interview with Todd Acamesis' this morning and a piece that Todd shared very candidly and openly is that despite his years of experience and exploration into the fields of Lucid Dreaming and Out of Body Experience's when it came to his relationship - all their old patterns were showing themselves, arguments were rife and intense, and wounding's were bared. No amount of Spiritual Journeying had prepared him for what it takes to make a relationship 'work'.

Lightbulb Moment.

I may have spent what feels like my entire lifetime observing life and people. I may have journeyed to the depths of grief and sorrow and my own pain and wounding's in order to heal and to 'know' myself more intimately. I may have a certain level of self awareness and an intuitive understanding and 'knowing' of energies and the Universe, to some degree, but when it comes down to relationships I have been left floundering time and time again.

Truth is and this isn't necessarily easy to share: I have been unable to sustain a relationship beyond 2 years and those 2 years haven't exactly been bubbles and bliss.


So, what happens when I get into relationship?!
Deep breath - I'm not sure that I ever have - at least not until recently.

I've shared in a blog before about a coaching call that I had a few years back with the beautiful Lisa Blackman in the States. At the time I was very much on the path of understanding "love yourself first before you can love someone else". And whilst I think there is an element of 'truth' in this.... here's a question for you... 'how do you know how much you love yourself' if you are not willing to share that 'self' with someone else? And more importantly, what do you do when you realise that, that person is hi lighting aspects of you that you don't actually love.... of course, you leave?!!! Or at least I did. Time and time again. I got so used to walking away that I started running before I had even opened the door. I got so used to running that I decided the only option was to be 'single' until I could love myself wholly and utterly.

And this is where I remember so clearly what Lisa said to me on that call.... 'how can you possibly learn to love yourself fully' if you don't interact with others and have relationships with others.

And guess what - the mantra in all of my relationships, be they two months or two years, became "you can't keep running away". But I could and I did... because I simply hadn't spent any time understanding myself within relationship to an-other.
Sure, I'd spent hours pouring through books, attending workshops, listening to online calls, had personal coaching, studied numerous methodologies - all in relation to understanding my self, getting to know me, what makes me tick, my passions, my purpose but what of... how do I relate to someone else in an intimate way? What of learning how to communicate? What of listening and hearing someone else's needs and desires? What of seeing the un-met person in another? What of hearing their soul's calling? What of meeting their Inner Child?
It takes two to Tango. The dance I was doing became very lonely. At times utterly 'divine' and enlightening but lonely. It is all very well dancing as though no-one is watching but sometimes you want someone to be doing just that.



And as I type this I realise how utterly 'selfish' it made me. Don't get me wrong, I do actually really like the person I have become and I love my 'awareness' and the fact that largely I trust my intuition and all the amazing people I have met on my journey. I am also aware of the impact that I have had on others during that time, with my sensitivity, ability to heal and to simply care from a loving and compassionate place but when it comes to relationship, I am selfish.

Selfish because in all of my relationships aside from my last.... I have not been 'present'. I have been an observer. Observing myself and how I function - more often - don't function within that relationship. Selfish because I have consistently wondered what it is that I am doing wrong?! What is it that I have not yet learnt about myself, or healed about myself that I cannot be in relation to another. That may not sound selfish but actually it really is. I'm smiling because I know this to be true. Everyone wants to get it wrong once in a while to remember that they are human. Everyone needs to get it wrong once in a while to know that they are not being judged. Why should it be all about me doing the healing, the learning? Surely there are two people in a relationship striving to create balance, not just me doing my own personal 'healing' work. Of course both parties need to be conscious enough for this to happen but I simply wasn't giving anyone the chance.

At the risk of sounding like I am giving myself an inordinately hard time. It is important for me to say and to remember that a very big part of who I am intrinsically is all about learning and constantly striving to understand emotional depths so this will always be a part of my make-up. It is a very big part of the foundation of my passion and purpose. I'd just like that 'process' to include someone else.


In all the years of study and self analysis - I've never allowed myself to study relationships.  And why do I say, allow.. because I believe that the best possible way of learning anything is by experience. Experience allows us to feel something and to get to know something at a much deeper level than any book or teacher can do. At least that is my humble opinion.

So, my question to you is.... what have you never studied or allowed yourself to experience deeply and fully?! More importantly, what have you never studied or allowed yourself to experience deeply and fully because you felt you already had all the tools you needed?!

For my part.... no more 'running' and I intend to fully embrace the experience in a conscious way with love and compassion in my heart 'knowing' that it is likely to be a bumpy ride..... because 30 or so years of self - development hasn't prepared me for being in a relationship with someone other than me.

With love and blessings, always
Nikola xxx



Tuesday 22 July 2014

Money...... (insert your own phrase here).....

I've been wanting to write about money for a while. In fact I sat down with that very intention this morning and four hours later, the page was still blank...
It has something to do with the fact that when I write a blog I aim to write from an insightful and inspirational perspective. Even if I am in the middle of the lesson and noticing every strand of emotion and feeling every nuance - there is always something that I wish to share, a question to pose to you that might help to make things a little clearer for you, the reader, or to challenge you to engage with. 

For me to write about money, therefore, seems a little premature.. maybe even obsolete, given I have none to speak of. 

That is, apart from the £10 that I found in the middle of a deserted street right after I left the little cafe that I was sitting in this morning, whilst pondering how to write about something that I simply don't yet understand. 


I found myself looking around for the owner, the person who had unfortunately just lost a £10 note out of their trouser pocket. There was simply no-one around. My immediate thought was, "surely they will come back for it".... "where can I hand it in that they may go and ask." 

When I find a penny I smile to myself and each time I hear the saying, "find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck," I quickly put it in my purse, or pocket and feel very thankful.

Picking up the £10 note today, however, made me feel irrationally (??) guilty. I don't feel entirely comfortable with it, even now, having put it in a side pocket of my purse with the intention of keeping it to generate more money and create some kind of flow.... 

If money is an energy, a flow - does it ever really belong to us or to anyone else?! 

And if a £10 note happening upon my path can make me feel that uncomfortable, is it any wonder that the Universe is reluctant to lavish me with the sort of financial abundance I dream about and once in a while state out loud. 

It would seem that I have some work to do still around having money and guilt? Not sure I knew I had that belief until a couple of hours ago. As I sit here writing this and smiling... I am saying out loud.... "thank you for gifting me that £10 note.." I will use it as a sign that I need to delve a little deeper into those onion layers of the root causes of why for the past three years, I have had very little of my own money to be creative with, to play with, to have fun with. 


And yes, I have counted my blessings and all the gifts that not having money has given me over the last few years but maybe it is time to know that I can still be the same person and have money too!!!


My parting thought for you today is simply to notice when something 'positive' makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable... what is it trying to uncover for you? What is it showing you so beautifully about your feelings for your self? 

With love, blessings and abundance 
Nikola

ps. writing a blog about money has left me feeling 'really' uncomfortable.... time to continue exploring...



Tuesday 8 July 2014

Who are you anyway?! Who decides....

When you take away every label you have ever been given or given to yourself - who are you?!


When you remove from your very being every societal norm, every educational standpoint, every religious or political framework - who are you?! When you choose to let go of judgements that you or someone else has made about you - who are you?! When you stop listening to the voices inside and outside of yourself and literally strip yourself bare, who are you?!

I would hazard a guess that one of the phrases that will come to mind for many is that we are souls having a human experience. How many of us actually stop and really contemplate this?! Indeed, this is something that forms part of my truth and is an idea that I have played around with in my heart and in my mind. I would also hazard a guess, as this was certainly true for me, is that there are many of us so caught up in finding out who that soul is, connecting in with our higher self and seeking deeper and more powerful connections with the truth of that soul that we forget to be human. We forget to play out the soul having a human experience part.

I would suggest that the two are inextricably linked and interwoven - how could they not be?! I would not be here writing this and you would not be here reading it. And yet, it seems to me, myself included that we get so caught up in 'purifying' our lives in order to be closer to 'spirit', 'god', 'creator', 'source', 'insert your own term'.... that we forget to enjoy the experience of being a crazy, mixed up human being. And enjoying the experience includes f***ing up once in while. And we forget that the two are one and the same. We are not human trying to remember and become a "Soul" a "Spiritual Being" in this lifetime. We already are. And yet it seems to me that we are continually looking for something outside of ourselves to make being human okay!!



It seems to me that in many ways the spiritual and personal development arena, in its current form, has taken over where we have left religion and dogma behind. I am paraphrasing and being a little tongue in cheek but these examples spring to mind.

"Drink this juice and you will have a greater connection to God"
"Stop eating meat and you will save the planet from itself"
"Drinking alcohol means you cannot be pure of heart"
"Buy this meditation and you'll never live through another drama again"

As I say - I am not wishing to offend or disrespect anyone, their beliefs or what they teach.  And the above are clearly not 'real' marketing or advertising strategies - I concocted them to make a point. But let me ask you this question. How often do you really stop and feel through whether what you are doing is true for you?! Are the practices that you are engaging in bringing you closer to knowing who you really are and being comfortable and at peace with all of your facets or are the practices that you take part in creating a more 'appropriate' version of you in the world?! There is a difference.

I have been playing around with the labels that I give myself, actually desiring not to have any labels at all, although this makes marketing yourself more tricky. There is something about the word 'teacher' that no longer resonates with me. I am not here to teach you anything, rather simply desiring to support you in re-connecting you to who you are. I don't want to help create a different version of you. I want you to be 'you'. It is not my place to say whether I like or dislike or engage with or feel repelled by you. I am not afraid to say that I don't necessarily like everyone I meet but I do try and allow everyone to be themselves. This is easier at times than at others. I simply want to invite you to find out who you really are, stripped of everyone else's version of how you should be, including your own thoughts on this.

To my mind great 'teachers' simply open the door and invite us to step through.


Yet we get caught up in seeking the next teacher, the next wise mind to aid us on our path of evolution. Forgetting that the most important teacher of all is with us all the time. Why is it that we are so keen to keep on giving our power away to others?! Perhaps because we were taught from a young age that elders know better, that teachers have all the answers, that parents are always right. Do our education systems in the West support children to trust their instincts and inner knowing?! Sadly, given the number of people who seek out teachers, guides, guru's.... people outside of themselves to find themselves then the answer is a resounding no.

This is simply something that I am suggesting we be very aware of.... I have come across some deeply wise and inspirational people on my journey thus far and I hope to come across many more. However, what I also choose is to meet those people on a level. Neither to put them on a pedestal and give away my power or to feel superior to them.

So, coming back to my initial question: who are you anyway?!



The one person who has the authority, wisdom, inner knowing and deep awareness of who you are is YOU. It may not always feel like that. Goodness knows I have had countless conversations with myself, with others, with the Universe asking who I am.....

We are unique, individual... crazy, beautiful soul full human beings...... we just need to remind ourselves of the fact that we know exactly who we are.... we've just forgotten and this journey is simply about remembering.... in whatever way that feels empowering to us as individuals.

So, the next time that someone suggests you drink the next green juice... ask yourself - does this feel empowering and true to me right now?!

The next time someone suggests the latest personal development convention to attend.... ask yourself - does this feel authentic and resonate with me?!

The next time someone suggests you stand on your head for three minutes.... ask yourself - am I going to feel revitalised and nourished if I do so?!

Your body, your mind... your intuition. No one knows you like you do once you really start to listen.


How would it feel to start trusting implicitly in your knowledge and awareness of 'your' self and to meet others - friends, family, colleagues, teachers from this place?! When we stand in our own true authenticity and are willing to be gently nudged from time to time to question, to become more aware then we give absolute permission for others to do the same. No judgement, just love and compassion.

Take a little time to notice when you are acting and behaving from a place of self knowledge or from a place of putting all your trust and power in others... no right or wrong - just awareness. Gently bring yourself back to yourself, to your own body and ask yourself - who am I?! And if you listen, really listen... you'll hear everything you need to know.


With love and blessings to the crazy, beautiful version of the true "You"
Nikola xx





Monday 23 June 2014

Love, it's myths and the cold hard, beautiful truth..... (my truth)...

There is not one person here on earth who will experience life the same way as you..... we are all unique individuals doing what we can with what we have... and for those of us trying to lead a more discerning and connected existence we may choose to learn from and adapt what we have come to know and filter that which no longer serves us. Either way, whether we are conscious of our thoughts and actions, we are all still unique, curious and beautiful individuals.

It seems to me that as no one person experiences life in the same way that no one person experiences love in the same way. And if that is so, can there really be one definitive definition.



For the past seven weeks, I have been in the most intense, amazing, frustrating, beautiful, fearful, scary, incredible relationship. It has opened up my eyes and my heart in ways that I did not know were possible and it has shaken me to the very core and essence of my being... pushing every insecurity button and given me gifts beyond my wildest imagination. The gift of letting go. The gift of listening more intently and deeply. The gift of truly understanding our unique journey's through life. The gift of sharing. The gift of intimacy both in fear of it and in embracing it fully. The gift of being supported and cherished. The gift of pain and hurt and what it is showing us should we choose to see, listen and to feel... and so many more.

My experience has and will continue to be mine and so will his; as we choose to navigate the terrain.

It has struck me more deeply than ever before that the finely woven threads that have brought us together are as fragile and as strong as a spider's web and this for me, right now, is where love resides.

Never before have I pondered love with such careful reverence... there are so many definitions from the sublime to the ridiculous, from the romantic to the deeply spiritual. Is any one definition more correct than any other?! I wonder. For if as we journey our experiences are individual then is it not our definition of it that creates the experience that we have of it.

Is it not just as ridiculous to strive for the perfection of romantic love as it is to strive to feel and understand the universal energy of Love? Or indeed just as ridiculous to not strive for either of the aforementioned. It seems to me that Love just is. It exists. I don't necessarily need some Mills and Boon definition of it nor an understanding at the level of Quantum Physics. I would simply like to choose to believe that it exists in some form or another and that I can feel and experience it as I choose. That the definition I give to Love is the experience I have of it....

If I choose to see the beauty in something.... like the amazing sunsets that we get here in the New Forest or the newborn foals finding their feet... then I see and I feel love. And for all the above and simply being here and being present here I am deeply grateful.

However, what also brings a deep and penetrative smile to my face is when I choose to see the beauty in that which is full of fear, old wounds, painful exchanges. In these moments I can now see and feel love. I am learning to be just as grateful for these experiences.

Love just is.



It exists whether we choose to believe in it or not. I don't care whether your definition of love is based on relationships or a spiritual experience of it, it simply does not matter, to my heart / mind.

Writing this has just brought to mind a conversation with a dear friend of mine. We were talking about attachment. And like many things within the world of personal development there was a time when non-attachment was the buzz word. An idea that was bandied around that we can only truly experience love through non attachment to things, to people. Don't get me wrong, practising non-attachment is a great way of finding out what matters to you and where your values lie.
However, as my friend pointed out - she is deeply attached to her children and their welfare. To state that she could have been unattached should something happen to one of them would have been a complete fallacy. Is her love any less or more because of this?! No. It just is. Her experience of love in this instance is in loving her children in the only way she knows. Her experience of love no more or less valid than anyone else's. Simply deeply meaningful to her.

Love just is.

There is a card on the windowsill that I bought for my partner six days after meeting him....

"Love is when you tell a boy you like his T shirt, then he wears it every day... (Sarah, aged 10)

I LOVE this.... the simplicity and yet profundity of it. This is her experience and it is valid. Just as valid as Dr Emoto proving that when we write the word love on a piece of paper and set an intention of loving feelings, that it can change the molecular structure of water.


And so I choose to continue to explore love in all its technicolor glory - every facet and every nuance. My experiences and the meaning I give to them is how it will show up in my life and those around me. And whilst it is not always easy I choose to experience where love shines a light on hurt and pain as well as where love shines a light on tenderness and trust.


Whichever way you choose to experience love it is your experience.... your truth. It is valid.

Go explore.....


With love and curiosity...
Nikola
xxx










Thursday 12 June 2014

You came from love and you will return to love....

"What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?"
Samuel Taylor Coleridge


I've always loved the words in the above quote. They speak of so much possibility, in fact they speak of infinite possibility. They speak of a world that we know as children and if not carefully nurtured, soon forget as we become adolescents and adults. They speak of a world where dreams and reality are not separate. Where holding a vision of something beautiful simply manifests with little or no effort. A world where every waking and sleeping moment is the chance to create, nee co-create with the Universe something magnificent, something magical.

In each and every moment your divine essence flows through you
At times you may not be aware of it,
Frantically searching to feel alive, to feel connected, to feel whole
But know now that it is always within you
It is never separate from you
Trust.

Our lives are a journey of self-discovery and like the tide, it ebbs and flows. Take a moment and simply breathe. You are a miracle. Close your eyes and feel the beating of your heart. You are a gift of the grandest design. You do not have to say, do, think, act or be anything else than you already are. That's the perfection of nature.

In each and every moment you are the expression of your own truth
And right now, that is perfect
It is precisely where you are meant to be, for you created it this way
You and only you hold the key to the experiences you have in your life
So what do you dare to dream of and find when you awaken.
Trust.

Within your heart is a divinity that you will come to know throughout your lifetime should you choose it. There is a depth of love and compassion that you know within your being and within your cells and it simply asks to be remembered. You came from love and you will return to love. Choose to know love intimately this lifetime.

In each and every moment you are a channel of love and compassion
It is your birthright to feel the very essence of who you are
You are a vessel of divine creation, your own creation
Know now that what you dare to dream
That what you dare to feel, is true and is so very real

Trust.

Sunday 27 April 2014

Jacob's Ladder...

Jacob’s Ladder
By Nikki King




Just the beginning

(Some names have been changed for reasons of privacy)

I’ve just been sat in the stable of this beautiful little horse, allowing wave after wave of emotion to flow through me. The tears that I cry, I cry both for myself and for him. Of that I am very certain. And as I do so he stands over me quiet and very, very still. I am aware of his breath on the top of my head and I feel my breathing adjust to be in unison with his own. This calms us both and I am conscious that an exquisite and tender moment has just been shared for which I am very grateful but I know that the story is not to end here. There is more to discover and to counsel between us.

Indeed the story did not begin here either…

In the beginning….

Around three weeks ago, after an indefinite period of living back at home with my parents, which in itself was full of the most intense challenges but woven together with gift after gift of learning and deep moments of gratitude – I found myself with five days to find myself somewhere to live. I had obviously been aware of my parents imminent move to Dorset and I had made a very conscious choice to keep asking and to put my feelers out there, but to ultimately allow the Universe to usher me wherever it felt I needed to be for the next stage of my journey.

I anticipated that it would be London, since it made sense for work and connections but I kept my mind and my heart open. Interestingly the options that came up in London I was resistant to and so I waited. By moments, not so patiently but always trusting.

And so with five days before my parents move I received a message on Facebook from someone with whom I had not connected for a long time. I knew Charlie from the stables that I had belonged to for so many years. An opportunity had come up to help out and work with horses in return for accommodation. Given my income is currently low (non existent at times) – another lesson I have challenged myself with I was both intrigued and curious about why this opportunity had come up.

The following day I found myself in the deepest, darkest but most beautiful depths of the Hampshire countryside taking the decision that this was to be the next phase. This is where I was to be, at least for a time. I did not make this decision without some trepidation. I knew that I was going to be more isolated than I have ever been before – did I really need to spend any more time on my own, reflecting upon my own naval? Possibly not and yet something told me that I needed to be here and to simply trust that the reason would show up. This was not just about convenience – I felt that very clearly.

The day before I was due to settle in – I knew that a horse had arrived from Holland. The owner of the Centre, Kirsty, where I was residing had recently purchased him with a view to training him up and selling him on to a new and loving home. Kirsty has an innate knack of pairing horse to rider in the perfect partnerships. His stay would amount to about two weeks. And so Zandor and I arrived to ‘our’ new home together.

During my first few days, it sunk in just how isolated I was going to be and I was struggling to come to terms with why I had been guided here. I was unhappy and feeling very lost, lonely and scared that this was going to be yet another wrong path. Not just the wrong path but possibly even worse than that, a step backwards.

Isn’t it funny – how in these moments – we can forget everything we have learnt previously and sink into those well rehearsed behaviours that feed our sadness and pain and dare I say it self pity.

I decided to focus, take action and arranged to go up to London that week so that at least I would be connecting with friends and colleagues and remove myself from the isolation. It felt good to place my focus outside of the current state of emotions I found myself in.

So, that Thursday after working with the horses in the morning I made my way to Winchester in the car, leaving myself plenty of time to meet a dear friend and colleague in the afternoon for coffee prior to an evening seminar that I was very keen to get to. What ensued can only be described as two to three hours of deeply frustrating and painful occurrences, one after the other. My instincts, the signposts and the sat nav were all sending me in different directions whilst trying to find the train station. After an hour of driving around and sitting in streams of traffic and negotiating one-way systems, I found the station. I drove around the station car park with not a space to be had. I noticed a multi-storey car park opposite and spent the next fifteen minutes driving around this with no success. By this stage I was starting to feel a little fried around the edges and was conscious that my awareness of other vehicles on the road was lessening with each minute that passed. I should no longer have been driving being both a danger to myself and to others. I continued driving and came across a small car park that was at least a 10 minute walk from the station but this did not matter. I still had time to make my way into London. I got out to pay and noticed the sign that read that you could only park there for 4 hours maximum…. not long enough.

I got back in the car and allowed the tears to start falling. What should have been so simple was becoming increasingly stressful and I began to wonder whether I was indeed meant to make it into London. I took a deep breath and decided to try the station car park once more. I was now about two hours into this epic attempt to simply park my car. Lo and behold I found a space. I had missed meeting my friend but I could still make it for the evening event. I thought very hard about simply heading back but I was here now and it was important to make the effort and take the action I felt I needed to take to remain in touch, with life. On attempting to buy a ticket, I realized that I did not have £8.00 in change and for reasons that I do not need to go into here, I was unable to pay on my phone as I was not in possession of a credit or debit card. Stumped, duped – crestfallen.


I got back in the car and surrendered. Three hours after leaving my little village – I found myself returning.
The drive back was an interesting one.
Those that know me know that I don’t tend to show or release anger vocally. Whilst I allow my emotions out, most of the time, it tends to be quietly or through tears. I have never been one to scream and shout rather leave the scene and make myself absent.
Over the next few miles, I screamed like I have never done before. I begged the Universe to show me what I was here for because I sure as hell didn’t know. I swore like an absolute trooper using the f**k word more times than I am proud of but I simply didn’t care. I had finally lost the strength to hold myself together anymore. I simply didn’t know how. I had lost the desire to fight, to try and work it out. It was up to the Universe now because I simply didn’t have a clue.

As I got back to my village – the beautiful village church caught my attention and as I was not ready to return to my new ‘home’ and admit defeat and be in danger of wallowing in pain and hurt, I pulled over, entered the church and sat down and I prayed like I have never prayed before. I apologized for my language in the car but I did not apologise for the sentiment. I needed help and I was finally ready to receive it. I’m not sure how long I sat there for but it was long enough for me to feel a sense of calm wash over me. I did not necessarily feel any clearer but at least I had voiced my anguish and knew that someone somewhere had heard my prayers. They were certainly loud enough.

I shared some of this experience on Facebook and I am deeply grateful for the people who reached out.

In particular, it was the words of my beautiful friend and Angel Lynda that brought about two realisations.
She said to me, there is a reason that you have found yourself amongst horses again and there will be one horse in particular that you will connect with. As I read these words, I knew which horse it was and I knew that it was already true. I just needed to acknowledge and take the time to be with him.
The other piece that this gave to me was that I needed to be “here”. It was not important how long that might be for… perhaps only a few weeks or possibly months, but whilst I was staying here and this was my ‘home’ I needed to really be here. I needed to be present to the medicine that was on offer. Not being able to get into London and not following my instincts was a wonderful lesson in not being present but in trying to force a situation and to be somewhere else just because the current scenario felt a little sticky, a little uncomfortable.

Well, guess what  - I knew that being uncomfortable was exactly where I needed to be if I was to evolve and grow.


Stable Talk

And so that evening I went and sat with Zandor for around an hour and let him know that I knew we needed to connect and I asked him what he would like to talk about and to share. I allowed myself to release a little more and simply spent time with him. It was therapeutic and I knew that there were more conversations to be had but that for now – I had made it known to him and to myself that I was open to connecting to him. That felt good.

Over the next couple of days – I found moments where it was quiet and I could just go and be with him. Sometimes for ten minutes – others for longer.

It had become apparent through his behavior that things were not feeling altogether comfortable for Zandor too.
The first morning that I took him out to the field – he was feeling very fresh and on his toes. There was much snorting and ‘looking’ at his surroundings. As we neared the outside arena and he caught sight of the fields – one minute I had him on the end of the lead rope and the next he had fled.  That is the only way that I can describe it – it felt to me in that moment that he was fleeing from something.
Catching him was not too much of an issue and we made it into the field unscathed but this incident got me thinking and feeling. I wasn’t sure what it was that I was picking up on, but there was something. He clearly had his own story to tell too.

This little horse had been bought as a very quiet and easy ten year-old. Kirsty had ridden him in Holland and so when he started misbehaving whilst being ridden – literally squealing, bucking and fleeing – things started not to add up. This was not the horse she had ridden and bought. Something was awry. It was fairly apparent that whilst at times, easy to do, he simply didn’t seem very happy and was clearly reacting to something.

As I write this story down I am increasingly aware of my desire to document every moment with him in regards to the experience of myself my experience of him and my experience of the two of us together. It feels key and deeply important to write about it and acknowledge it as a gift that is beyond my full comprehension. And it will remain so until the story comes to its conclusion and maybe not even then. Right now, I am in the middle of it and I am curious, excited, scared, in awe and wonder.

Under my skin

During one of the first times that I chose to spend with Zandor in the stable just quietly been present – I became aware that if this little horse was going to communicate with me – I had to let him in. I had to open my heart and converse with him from there. He was not going to and could not talk to me from my head.

This presented three big challenges for me. Firstly, I find it far easier to stay in my head. Whilst this is not where I want to be it is where I have learnt to be, to be with the thoughts and power of my intellectual mind. It is safe and keeps me from getting hurt. In truth, this hurts deeply too as my desire to live from my heart is so, so strong and it is painful not to. To not allow people in and to love you is painful. To not open your heart and love people in a way that you ‘know’ is possible is also deeply painful.

Secondly, the greatest love of my life had been my own horse, Amadeus who I had had for the most amazing thirteen years and had seen me through some of my toughest years as a teenager and in my twenties. Was I really prepared to let another horse into my heart, when the grief of losing Amadeus could still rip me open? This little horse was potentially only going to be here for a couple of weeks. Could I really risk loving him and letting him love me back only to know that he was leaving? Could I risk not loving and not learning what it was that we had to share?

And lastly I was challenged with my own expectations of how I wanted or needed the communication to happen. What was I expecting? What did I need or want to hear? How was I going to hear it? What if he didn’t communicate with me in some way? There was something deeply profound taking place and I was afraid that I might not allow it to happen, that even though I sensed and felt so much that I wouldn’t see it through – couldn’t find a way of seeing it through.

Truth is – whilst these challenges were being presented to me – this little horse had already got under my skin and the only reason and the only way that could happen is because that is exactly where I wanted him.

It was whilst I was battling with letting him in and letting myself love him that I sensed he didn’t want to be called Zandor and so I asked him what name he would prefer… and I quite clearly received, ‘Jacob’ and so Jacob it would be when we were together. I didn’t feel the need to mention it to anyone else.


The Shaman’s Visit

During my first conversation with Kirsty whilst I was still deliberating over whether moving to the back of beyond was a good idea or not, she mentioned one of her closest friends…

[Brief interlude – the most beautiful Greater Spotted Woodpecker has just come visiting… first one I have seen here. The medicine wheel is in motion]

Back to the story… she mentioned one of her closest friends Stella. Stella was something of a kindred spirit and works shamanically; at times finding this life a little hard to be in. Did I really need any more convincing that I was meant to be in this ‘space’ for now?! I knew I would be isolated but at least I also knew that I could have conversations at a level that would keep me enriched and lit up from the inside.

Stella was due to visit over the next couple of weeks. The morning that she arrived, I was in the yard finishing off my yard duties… sweeping the floor in a somewhat meditative trance. Stella walked in and immediately I felt her warmth, groundedness and I felt at home. Whilst we were talking about our respective work and ‘lives’… Kirsty joined us and we started to talk about Zandor.

Stella, having spoken to the horses upon her arrival proffered that maybe Zandor’s arrival was something to do with me and that we needed to make a connection. I looked at them both and responded that I already knew this to be true. To have it confirmed though was quite remarkable and made me even more keen, willing and open to connect with him. Surely we had something to share with each other and more importantly, I felt we had some healing that was to be done together. Stella simply invited me to have a conversation with him. The door was open to do so and he was willing – I simply had to accept the invite. No pressure, just an invitation. How could I refuse, when I had felt so much already?!

Having both Kirsty and Stella to talk to on a level that I dearly love was nurturing and nourishing in and of itself and if this alone was my reason for being here, then I was deeply grateful. Being present and accepting that I needed to be ‘here’ was starting to feel ever more comfortable and ever more necessary for any healing or learning’s to take place.


Jacob’s Ladder

I joined the family and Stella for dinner that evening and whilst I won’t go into the detail, I am sure you can imagine the delicious conversation that was on offer. What was most interesting though and still brings a wry smile is that as I walked into their Kitchen, Kirsty remarked to me that she felt we needed to give Zandor a different name. She didn’t like it and didn’t feel that it suited him and she felt it would be appropriate if I chose something else. She looked at me warily and confessed that she was rather concerned about what I might come up with!

I looked at them both and remarked that it was funny that it should be mentioned but I had had that conversation with him a couple of days previously and he had told me ‘Jacob’… and so it officially became Jacob. Stella simply gave me a knowing smile.

Later on that evening I looked up the ‘meaning’ of the name Jacob and the story behind the biblical birth of Jacob who was born holding the ankle of his brother. The name meaning to follow…. somehow this did not resonate. It was then that I recalled a phrase we had used over dinner and dismissed, lightly…. ‘Jacob’s Ladder’.  Jacob’s ladder is a ladder that allows access to the heavens from earth and for those who abide in heaven to descend to earth. A two way ladder connecting us all.

Here was another moment that I needed to take time and acknowledge. Jacob was a symbol of one of the greatest challenges in my life, my connection to source and my trusting in my connection to source. Here in front of me was the most beautiful, if troubled, horse whose very ‘being here with me’ was the most extraordinary gift. He was my connection to God, to source and I was his if we allowed it to be so…. this journey between us continues.

For if I could allow Jacob into my heart and thereby allow him to help me to heal, to let go of my sadness and suffering… then I could do the very same thing for him. I knew he had suffered somewhere along the line and as I have already mentioned he, at times, appeared sad and lost.

When we see reflections of ourselves in other people – it is easy to get lost in judgments and projections, asking who does the feeling belong to. With Jacob, with this stunning soul, how could I make any judgments or project my story onto him… we simply shared a divine space and have both been offered the most profound gift in each other. And this relationship does not have to be forever. I am well aware that he could be gone in a matter of a week or two. Am I really prepared to give this everything I have…. the answer is yes, simply because I cannot bear the idea of him leaving with a heavy heart. And I now know that I wish the exact same thing for myself. I cannot leave this place of healing, in the most amazing countryside with a heavy heart.


Questions and Answers

There are many questions for Kirsty in relation to Jacob. There are some very practical questions around him now costing money that he should not have done and potentially a loss of money as ‘homing’ him to the right person still remains a mystery. Kirsty is very open to the spiritual side of this horse and her own lessons and spirituality in relation to him. Not least when one morning she said quite simply – I just want him gone. His presence here is not a welcome one. He is a reminder that this did not go according to plan. And I completely understand where she is coming from. There is a balance in all of life between the ‘knowing’ and the ‘spiritual’ and the very practical day to day living that needs to take place.

And here in the middle is Jacob….

There have been a few answers, at least a few suggestions about how Kirsty can recoup her money and for Jacob to be happy…. there is talk of him going to Wales to an Eventer, who would happily x-country him and put him through his paces. It was suggested to me by an amazing friend and colleague of mine about getting an homeopathic vet out to see him. This is a route that I would like to try and yet I am very aware that this is not my decision to make.

And as I sit here writing this story down and reflecting upon all that I have observed and felt – I am acutely aware of one thing….


Jacob’s behavior

Jacob’s behavior is extremely well known to me. His quiet and passive, attentive and loving side. His slightly needy and insecure side. His reactive side of fleeing from a situation he does not feel wholly comfortable in. A sense of being uncomfortable in his own skin. That when he is ‘out of his body’ he is absolutely fine and can cope with anything. When he is ‘in his body’ and his soul is present it is almost overwhelming for him, as though he doesn’t know quite where to place himself or what to do with himself. And yet there is this magnificent, beautiful soul who simply wants to love and be loved in return.

To see your own self, reflected back at you in this way – I’m not sure I have the words….

This moment…..

And so, this story brings me to this very moment, where I am sat here typing this, allowing every single word to permeate every part of me. I am not sure which emotion is now taking precedence…. love, fear, curiosity, wonder, excitement, trepidation…

For what I came to realize today is that I have the power to heal Jacob without intervention from anyone else because he has the power to heal me without any intervention from anyone else… for if we allow ourselves to connect, we are connecting to the universe, to the source of love and of life… we are connecting back to ourselves. Are we ready for this, to let go of our stories and to be present with each other?

Are we ready to simply listen to and follow our hearts…. to break down the barriers, to let go of all that our bodies have held onto for so long, to allow our souls to fully inhabit our bodies. Are we ready to love and feel love from the divine? To know our own divinity.

And so I wait in eager anticipation of tomorrow… another day… knowing that he is actually with me right here and now, with each conscious thought and breath.


Sunday morning coffee

In one of my more isolated moments, I also made a decision to join an internet dating site whilst here – not necessarily with the intention of meeting someone significant but so that I could go out for a sociable drink or two and engage in conversation with someone other than myself.

At 09:00 this morning as Emily, the other girl who helps out on the yard at weekends, walked Jacob past my window – at that exact same moment – I received a notification from the dating site… “Jacob wants to meet you.” You really can’t make this stuff up. Thank you Universe. I’m listening.

Guess I better put on my wet weather gear and go and join him in the field and see what it is that he wants to say this morning. With this in mind and clearing away my breakfast things – I caught sight of “Way of the Horse” sitting on my windowsill. This is a beautiful book written by Linda Kohavona exploring the Equine Archetypes. The book is accompanied by the most beautiful medicine cards – with stunning illustrations by Kim McElroy. I smiled.  Taking the book off the shelf I knew that I was choosing a card for Jacob this morning.

Initially I just saw the coloured horse and turquoise butterfly illustrated. Looking a little closer I saw the beautiful bay horse in the background, with deep knowing in his eyes… a little sad maybe, reflective, deep pain with its associated wisdom. I could not have chosen more perfectly if I had tried… but of course. So I picked up the book to read the associated description…..

“Transformation”
Rebirth
Power Reclaimed
True Freedom

On the wings of a butterfly, a vibrant, multicoloured horse remembers the landscape of paradise.

The Gift – The roller coaster of life reveals a timeless source of peace
The Challenge – True freedom demands relinquishing limiting patterns and beliefs. A part of you must die to be reborn.

I will include the full chapter linked to this card at the end of this story because it is simply worth everyone reading.

There are signs everywhere if we stop looking for them. I am here learning to stop looking and searching out there and noticing what is right here in front of me. When you start noticing, the Universe responds with more and more signs. Why is this? Perhaps it is because when we are aligned and in flow, the Universe feels us and hears us so much more clearly. It seems to me that being in the flow is about being in the flow of happiness, peace, joy and stillness but also about being in the flow of hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, not knowing. There is only this moment and when I am in it, ‘truly in it’ I notice.









“Way of the Horse” – an extract
Equine Archetypes for Self Discovery
Linda Kohanov with illustrations by Kim McElroy

Card Picked – 27th April 2014

“Transformation”
Rebirth
Power Reclaimed
True Freedom

On the wings of a butterfly, a vibrant, multicoloured horse remembers the landscape of peace.

The Gift – The roller coaster ride of life reveals a timeless source of peace

The Challenge – True freedom demands relinquishing limiting patterns and beliefs. A part of you must die to be reborn

‘The Journey’
“One night, out of the dying embers of particularly stressful day, I had a dream. I was flying over a magnificent nebula, incandescent clouds of indigo, lavender, sapphire, and crimson spiraling out of a radiant, amber core. A dark-haired man dressed in white lured me onto the wing of our spaceship and pointed to a bay horse standing at the edge. The brown eyed gelding, his forelock tinged with gray, looked back at me briefly, peacefully – before leaping off the side. As he plunged into the fiery, pulsating centre, concentric rings of energy moved outward. Yet unlike a stone hitting water, these waves refused to dissipate. They actually strengthened in speed and intensity the farther they moved from their origin. In my astonishment, I could not mourn the horse’s disappearance. I could only marvel at the new galaxy he had become.

Like a caterpillar relinquishes its form, literally dissolving in the cocoon, transformation begins with sacrifice. And yet the nourishment gleaned from crawling along the ground is not lost. All that effort, methodically climbing up tree trunks and inching along branch by branch to each tasty leaf, fortifies the creation of a new being, one who views life from a more exalted perspective. The butterfly emerges into the same world she left behind, but she most certainly doesn’t see it the same way. She flies deftly from flower to flower, her metamorphosis timed to sip the sweetness of life in all its blooming glory. Clouds still move across the sky; storms still come and go; but the agile monarch covers territory unimaginable to her caterpillar brain. Alighting in well-groomed rose gardens, savoring cactus blossoms, floating over horses racing through fields of golden wildflowers, she rides the wind in reverie, her body a flowing, fluttering work of art.

Humans too are designed for transformation, though we all too often resist it. But do we really have a choice? As much as we cultivate security and predictability, life just won’t stand still. Any thing we attach happiness to changes, passes away, or fades through attrition. Yet when we dare to move beyond our self-imposed limits, we don’t lose the knowledge of a lifetime, we reclaim power from habits inadvertently accumulated along the way. Most everything we do and think originally arises purposefully, allowing us to survive, fit in, make a living, start a family. At a certain point, however, some of our dearest thoughts and behaviours outlive their usefulness and become downright parasitic, siphoning energy that could fuel a more rarified, expansive consciousness.

Letting go of old patterns is easier said that done, of course. Evolution often requires a critical mass of growth, followed by a frightening big bang or tempestuous expulsion from the birth canal. By the time you’re ripe for that quantum leap to the next level, you’ve formed a relatively comfortable identity, and the journey from womb to brave new world outside seems downright rude. True innovation is an alchemical reconfiguring of what was harvested and digested in a more constricted state, the death of an old way of being that gains something greater through trust and surrender. Yet the fear and pain or, rather, the fear of pain is more than compensated for by the absolute ecstasy of a higher perspective.

We are not born to live and die, but to die and be reborn many times before leaving this earth. Yet underneath this strange roller-coaster ride, a timeless core asserts itself. In gaining the courage and fluidity to undergo constant metamorphosis, we access a deep peace capable of embracing the ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows of life. “Eventually, as Anne Rudloe writes in Butterflies on a Sea Wind, it’s possible to attain a balance that is independent of external circumstances…. With this poise, a sense of connectedness arises, and out of that comes the ability to live with grace, almost with effortlessness.” Over time, we learn that life “is not about being happy and whole because things worked out the way we wanted. Life is about being whole regardless of what happens. It’s about a deep well-being that persists though we might not be comfortable at the moment. This kind of peace is within reach for everyone, but it never occurs to most people that happiness can based on anything besides getting what we want and being in pleasant external circumstances… without a specific, rigid goal to struggle toward, we can be much more free, with much less struggle and pain and fear in the task we undertake.”

Your horse already knows this, of course. She doesn’t need to win a blue ribbon to enjoy a find spring day, and yet she’s willing to try for the fun of it. In fact she’s willing to do almost anything if it fosters connectedness, and in this sense, she may very well be the teacher you’ve been looking for all your life.

Rudloe studied with Zen masters for years to gain what is essentially an equine perspective. “Our place in this life, our only place, is wherever we find ourselves in each instant. An effort is made and results arise. The energy will go where the energy needs to go. The only thing to do is live life without any resentment toward life and to pay attention to whatever teachers arise.”

Sometimes I can’t help but think that horses followed us out of the Garden of Eden, tilled our fields and fought our wards, simply to remind us of freedom’s promise. “