News Flash:
Studying Physics for Twenty Five Years doesn't necessarily make you good at French
So, at what point did I think that a lifelong quest into understanding myself, in becoming more self aware, in observing myself, life and other people, did I think that I had everything I needed to make a relationship work.
I assumed (ass - out of - u and me) that by 'knowing' myself to the level that I do, being as conscious as I am (relative to me) and by striking out quite openly on a spiritual journey into the known and un-known that I would have every tool in the book and the necessary self awareness to make a relationship 'work'.
Major Faux Pas.
This blog has come about after I listened gratefully to a 'Simon on the Sofa interview with Todd Acamesis' this morning and a piece that Todd shared very candidly and openly is that despite his years of experience and exploration into the fields of Lucid Dreaming and Out of Body Experience's when it came to his relationship - all their old patterns were showing themselves, arguments were rife and intense, and wounding's were bared. No amount of Spiritual Journeying had prepared him for what it takes to make a relationship 'work'.
Lightbulb Moment.
I may have spent what feels like my entire lifetime observing life and people. I may have journeyed to the depths of grief and sorrow and my own pain and wounding's in order to heal and to 'know' myself more intimately. I may have a certain level of self awareness and an intuitive understanding and 'knowing' of energies and the Universe, to some degree, but when it comes down to relationships I have been left floundering time and time again.
Truth is and this isn't necessarily easy to share: I have been unable to sustain a relationship beyond 2 years and those 2 years haven't exactly been bubbles and bliss.
So, what happens when I get into relationship?!
Deep breath - I'm not sure that I ever have - at least not until recently.
I've shared in a blog before about a coaching call that I had a few years back with the beautiful Lisa Blackman in the States. At the time I was very much on the path of understanding "love yourself first before you can love someone else". And whilst I think there is an element of 'truth' in this.... here's a question for you... 'how do you know how much you love yourself' if you are not willing to share that 'self' with someone else? And more importantly, what do you do when you realise that, that person is hi lighting aspects of you that you don't actually love.... of course, you leave?!!! Or at least I did. Time and time again. I got so used to walking away that I started running before I had even opened the door. I got so used to running that I decided the only option was to be 'single' until I could love myself wholly and utterly.
And this is where I remember so clearly what Lisa said to me on that call.... 'how can you possibly learn to love yourself fully' if you don't interact with others and have relationships with others.
And guess what - the mantra in all of my relationships, be they two months or two years, became "you can't keep running away". But I could and I did... because I simply hadn't spent any time understanding myself within relationship to an-other.
Sure, I'd spent hours pouring through books, attending workshops, listening to online calls, had personal coaching, studied numerous methodologies - all in relation to understanding my self, getting to know me, what makes me tick, my passions, my purpose but what of... how do I relate to someone else in an intimate way? What of learning how to communicate? What of listening and hearing someone else's needs and desires? What of seeing the un-met person in another? What of hearing their soul's calling? What of meeting their Inner Child?
It takes two to Tango. The dance I was doing became very lonely. At times utterly 'divine' and enlightening but lonely. It is all very well dancing as though no-one is watching but sometimes you want someone to be doing just that.
And as I type this I realise how utterly 'selfish' it made me. Don't get me wrong, I do actually really like the person I have become and I love my 'awareness' and the fact that largely I trust my intuition and all the amazing people I have met on my journey. I am also aware of the impact that I have had on others during that time, with my sensitivity, ability to heal and to simply care from a loving and compassionate place but when it comes to relationship, I am selfish.
Selfish because in all of my relationships aside from my last.... I have not been 'present'. I have been an observer. Observing myself and how I function - more often - don't function within that relationship. Selfish because I have consistently wondered what it is that I am doing wrong?! What is it that I have not yet learnt about myself, or healed about myself that I cannot be in relation to another. That may not sound selfish but actually it really is. I'm smiling because I know this to be true. Everyone wants to get it wrong once in a while to remember that they are human. Everyone needs to get it wrong once in a while to know that they are not being judged. Why should it be all about me doing the healing, the learning? Surely there are two people in a relationship striving to create balance, not just me doing my own personal 'healing' work. Of course both parties need to be conscious enough for this to happen but I simply wasn't giving anyone the chance.
At the risk of sounding like I am giving myself an inordinately hard time. It is important for me to say and to remember that a very big part of who I am intrinsically is all about learning and constantly striving to understand emotional depths so this will always be a part of my make-up. It is a very big part of the foundation of my passion and purpose. I'd just like that 'process' to include someone else.
In all the years of study and self analysis - I've never allowed myself to study relationships. And why do I say, allow.. because I believe that the best possible way of learning anything is by experience. Experience allows us to feel something and to get to know something at a much deeper level than any book or teacher can do. At least that is my humble opinion.
So, my question to you is.... what have you never studied or allowed yourself to experience deeply and fully?! More importantly, what have you never studied or allowed yourself to experience deeply and fully because you felt you already had all the tools you needed?!
For my part.... no more 'running' and I intend to fully embrace the experience in a conscious way with love and compassion in my heart 'knowing' that it is likely to be a bumpy ride..... because 30 or so years of self - development hasn't prepared me for being in a relationship with someone other than me.
With love and blessings, always
Nikola xxx
