From Pizza to Marriage in the blink of an eye.....

I was giggling to myself this morning as I noticed my mind wanting to do what it does so effortlessly.... and that is to create a story, a fantasy around something that I was desiring to happen.

In my experience (as a woman) we have this extraordinary capacity to create a whole living, breathing novel around what is taking place in our lives and what we (think) we desire to take place. One of the most amazing capacities that women have so naturally is an ability to web and weave the different strands of our lives. We can capture each emotion playing out in any different area and link them together. At times with great insight and wisdom and at other times.... we have created a very Dallas / Dynasty soap opera worthy of any television channel and likelihood is, it would make compelling watching and yet, is it real.

Ive written before about how necessary fantasy and dreaming and our imaginations are. Without my innate fortitude to dream up the fantastical, there are certain things in my life that may never have come to fruition. And as I have been noted to say more than once recently, if we can dream it up, imagine it, then it already exists and we have a choice as to whether that dream of the future becomes a piece of our current reality.

There is a whole other blog here about timelines and shifting timelines and our human experience being circular rather than linear.... literally meaning that the past, present, and future all exist in the now moment.


However, for now I want to stay with this idea of us creating a story. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the creation of the story. To desire or to feel that you would like a particular outcome rests within the realms of setting intentions and being in the energy of what you would you like to manifest in your life.

Where we come unstuck and the web becomes something more akin to a tangled ball of string is when we don't express or communicate it and expect the other person to be on the same page of our ever expanding novel and to expect that person to also feel the same.

When we don't communicate it - we enter the realms of potentially and most likely being disappointed when it does not take place. It can then feed our insecurities and so on and so forth.

So, what is the alternative?!
An act of the utmost courage. And to be courageous means being utterly vulnerable.


When we dare to be vulnerable and share the dream of what we desire with another person, my experience recently is that it automatically dissipates the energy of the fantasy and I am no longer attached to whether it takes place or not. When we speak our truth and it is a truth of our heart in that moment, it can land and be received. The person then knows exactly what you are thinking and how you are feeling and can respond from their truth.

This morning whilst I was giggling to myself, upon sharing such a desire with someone, I realised that it created something even more expansive and a knowing that even if it did not happen in the way I visualised, two other choices became immediately apparent. The first and most important is that I was able to relax back into myself, knowing that I did not need anything from anyone else. I already had all that I needed within myself. The second was that it opened up a dialogue where it was possible to meet in the present moment and be with the truth of both person's involved. And in that moment, there is absolutely nowhere else I would rather have been because we were two people being utterly present to the 'being-ness' in each other.

My invitation to you, therefore, is this.... find the courage in your heart to keep on dreaming and visualising and imagining and then dare to be vulnerable and communicate it. You might just find that what you receive is greater than the dream itself.

With all of this playing out so beautifully this morning and leaving me with a smile both on my face and my heart, I wandered down to the beach to find a busker playing this song..... "Jessie - Joshua Kadison"

"Ill love you in the sunshine
Lay you down in the warm, white sand
And who knows maybe this time
This will turn out just the way you planned

Jessie paint your pictures
About how it's gonna be
By now I should know better
Your dreams are never free
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea
Oh Jessie you can always sell any dream to me"

Dare to dream but be very careful not to put a price on it for the cost will always be too dear.....

With love and blessings always
Nikki xxx

ps. I was not thinking about pizza or marriage, just for the record. 

What does it mean to choose YOU?!

Last week after a particular situation empowered me to really choose myself, I wrote the following post on Facebook.... 

"Who do you choose?!
Are you ready to choose you?!

This evening whilst in a deep reverie and dance, I stopped in front on the mirror and caught myself looking at myself in a new way. Intrigued by my hands, my face, my hair, the way I was moving....

A calm and yet powerful force of energy came over me....

The question that came.... "Who do you choose?!"
And the answer without faltering..... "I choose me"

Over and over and over.... despite the twists and turns of this human experience.....When you really choose you, life takes on a different hue... "

In the week following this post, I have been pondering and have been asking myself in the quiet moments, what does it really mean to choose yourself and actually how do we do it?!

I believe that we create what we need in life in order to experience ourselves at the deepest level, should we choose to do so. In order to choose me, I need to love me fully and without exception. Self love is no small task given there are so many factors that affect how we view ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. We are all aware of how our childhoods, social conditions and so on are a predeterminer to how we behave and act towards ourselves and others.

What I really want to focus on with this blog though is the internal balance that is shifting and aligning within myself to bring myself to that still point of choosing every aspect of myself.

I am incredibly lucky that I have a beautiful connection and relationship with my mother. However, what I am referring to here, is the mother inside of me. Much of this year has so far been about learning to really nurture and love myself no matter what. In all the moments when I felt I 'should' be doing more or doing something different or in a different way, I realise now that in order to quieten my inner critic and the self judgment, I needed to find my inner mother. The one who would love me unconditionally.

I needed to find the innate part of me that would love me no matter the choices I was making. The part of me that would hold my hand rather than leave me alone and afraid. I needed to gently soothe my wounds and put a pretty plaster on. I needed to be my own best friend and feel that I had someone holding me and watching over me so that I could surrender to a deeper place within myself. To a place where I could really receive and know that unconditional love intimately.

My oracle card yesterday morning was the above, "healing the divine masculine" and the inspiration for writing this blog. Recent interactions in my life have brought up (another layer) of one of my core wounds around the father / daughter dynamic. A dynamic that many of us know so well, of not feeling seen. Ive been able to attribute new words to that dynamic this week through my experience of not feeling chosen.

And so I take myself back to the girl in the mirror who saw herself and chose herself.... and I realise that in choosing myself fully and wholly.... I need to honour myself, the mother in me and also the father in me. This is a new concept for me and one that could radically change my relationship to myself and to men. Ive been questioning that if I am truly choosing me, then why is it still playing out in my life that perceptively a man may not be choosing me. If I am to be my own mother, then I also need to be my own father. An aspect that I have continuously sought to find externally in someone else. (Albeit unconsciously). To be my own father is to find the part of me that protects and honours me unconditionally. To be my own father is to know my own strength without power, control or aggression and to be discerning and a stabilising force in my own life.

To be my own father, actually allows the little girl to come out to play because she is being watched and looked after. Someone else is in charge of looking out for any danger. To be my own father, allows me to be the fullness of my femininity because I won't be judged for being too soft or too vulnerable. To father myself means that I get to take graceful steps and to really feel into something and to trust my intuition because someone else is taking ownership of logic and reason.

If I can do all of this for myself, then I am truly starting to choose ME fully and moreover, I am getting to be ME fully.

There is much about the balancing of the masculine and feminine both externally in the world and internally. These last couple of weeks have made me realise that perhaps it is helpful to recognise and be all of the aspects of the masculine and feminine in and of ourselves. That includes being our own father and mother.

What might it take for you to choose all of YOU?!

As ever, writing with curiosity....

With love and blessings
Nikki x

Essence of YOU - is your body ready?!

As a self-termed dreamer from a very young age and someone who has been more than happy to play in the etheric realms for much of my adult life, one aspect of human life has become abundantly clear to me in the last few months and especially weeks. If I choose to do anything that has a lasting impact in this lifetime or if I have any hope of making my business the success that I already know is possible, I have to be in my body. Actually, let's simplify it further, if I wish to experience real joy as a human being, I have to be in my body. 

My writing today was inspired after watching a video of Layla Martin.... I was mesmerised by how much she radiates.... her skin is clear, her eyes sparkle, she speaks with clarity and heart and she looks like she is having fun. One could argue that it is because she is working in the field of tantra, but it goes beyond that.... she fully inhabits her body. The light in her eyes and the clarity of her skin (which may also be good genes) is because she is in touch with her essence and it literally glows from the inside of her to the outside of her. She is not just comfortable in her skin, she has found her unique essence and is living it and breathing it and being it.

If you have read my blog before, you will know that I have used running for a long time as a form of meditation and of getting into my body. I also used it as a form of self punishment. Its hard to admit to yourself, let alone anyone else that you run because it allows you to feel less guilty about eating. Its hard to admit that every meal became about thinking about the next run so that I could burn it off. On the outside I was happy because I enjoyed being fit and how it made my body look but on the inside I was punishing myself each and every day. It has served a very genuine purpose though.

That is, up until Christmas this year when I started experiencing really bad migraines again, each and every time I ran or did any form of exercise. I was forced to stop and take a look at what was going on. Luckily I saw a fantastic acupuncturist in Brighton who took me on an inward journey to look at my childhood and the reasons the migraines began in the first place. Since then I have had to be very, very still and listen ever deeper to the messages that my body has been desperately trying to give me for some time. 

If anyone saw a video I recently posted as a testimonial for Michelle Roberton after a gentle Tantra session with her they will know that I am realising that it is absolutely key for me to honour and cherish every single part of my body. I have been operating from my heart for a while... isn't that what we are told to do?! What I was not doing was also coming from my sacral centre, from my sexual centre..... the seat of my creativity. I noticed after just one session with Michelle just how much more grounded I was. My expressions and communication from my heart were less emotional and stronger. The compassion and sentiment remains the same but I was rooted in a much deeper wisdom and power. 

And so I am finally relenting that I cannot operate from the top half of my body alone. I know that this is not news, but I also know that there are still many women who are not fully embodied. There are a myriad of reasons for this and each one of us has our own unique story around why we have shut down parts of our body. For some they may be in the sexual centres but unable to communicate through the heart. What I do know with absolute certainty is that to live a full and joyful life, to allow the fullness of our essence and the fullness of our expression to show up... we have to be fully in our bodies. It is always a choice but it is a choice that I am now consciously making. 

This goes beyond the healthy food we eat, or the exercise we take..... being mindful of when we use these to stay out of our bodies is absolutely key. This is not about following someone else's routine or regime. This is about getting up close and personal with your own  body and your own experience of life. For it is right there that all the signs are pointing to what it is they really need you to hear and to know for you, in this moment. 

It is clear to me from the experience I have had this winter of needing to go deeper than ever before and from needing to be more still than I ever have been in my life, that there are some real gems for us, if we dare to listen. I simply cannot and choose not to be anywhere other than in my body and that means doing the work, choosing to stay very present to myself and my needs right now. There are parts of my body that need to be reclaimed. In order for my body to be the temple it knows itself to be, I have to honour and respect it as such and that means touching on some painful memories and experiences and working through them. 

Right now I am choosing to work through them in the dance where I move, I cry, I shift energy around and I witness. I am choosing to write. I am choosing to gift myself real time with myself that might involve slowing applying coconut oil to my body as though my body were the most precious thing on earth. (Goodness knows Ive spent years slapping it on thinking I was being good to my skin).... For your body is the most precious thing on earth. Without it, you would not be here... at least not in human form. 

If you desire to live life to the fullest and with the fullness of your essence and your soul housed within your temple, then you have to make it a vessel that feels safe for your soul to reside in.... 

Running, yoga, meditation, journalling, dancing, healthy eating are not on their own enough.... dare to go deeper to meet the true essence of who you are. Dare to love your body in its wholeness and fullness and be ready to be fully embodied. There is no quick fix but when we truly start listening the answers come effortlessly and easily.

Im looking forward to being that fully embodied vessel so that I can allow myself to receive life fully, to receive all the abundance that life is so desiring to give me.... to live so utterly from a place of love and joy. 

With love and blessings, always

Nikki xx