I've always loved words.... primarily the feeling of how words come together without thinking too hard about what it is that I am trying to say or even how it may come across. Perhaps that's the crux of the matter for me. 'Words coming together without having to think too hard.....' As a self-confessed thinker and analyzer of that which does not need to be analyzed, finding something that can take me out of that head space is a true gift. I wonder, is this what it means to be in the flow.... allowing the sub conscious to perforate the conscious and dictatorial mind.
I've tried other creative pursuits.... dancing, singing, art... all of which my head is still bound by its seemingly rightful place as dominant over my heart. Heavily practised in the art of criticism and profound ability to see that which is not perfect; and yet when I write my heart is ever present, ever knowing and ever seeing. When I write from the heart there are no boundaries and most importantly no judgments from myself.
So, why this particular blog?!
I came across a piece of writing yesterday that I would like to share with you that emphasizes the importance for me, of recognising where we have come from and where we are now. I have spoken before about not being drawn into the drama of a situation as it reinforces the emotions that may have been felt at the time. However, I do believe that there is deep and hidden value in once in a while, stopping, taking time to breathe, turning around and smiling at the steps that you have taken to take you from one place to the next. We do not celebrate ourselves enough. So quick to judge. So quick to be critical. So quick to not take time to stand and stare. Moreover, the importance of seeing and holding true the value of having been in that situation.
I'm not sure when I wrote this piece. I am sharing because it reminded me in no uncertain terms just how far I have come. It is also a reminder to me that we are all vulnerable and fallible. These are strengths, not weaknesses. That we have the capacity to choose to learn from the choices we make is no happy coincidence. We are powerful beyond our own ability to comprehend. And it also makes me realise that even in my darker moments, I had a propensity for words.
What is profoundly interesting for me in the following piece of writing is that I no longer see the girl that I am talking about, rather I feel deeply proud of the way the words are put together, their poetic hum and their ability to evoke emotion....
"To be honest, I am not
very fond of my own company. I am not unaware that this fact has a
tendency to make life somewhat difficult, given that wherever you go,
there you are. Perhaps if I could remember when I first became aware
of my distaste of my own existence, I could go back and re-write all
beliefs and behaviours that have served to compound my inability to
find myself either interesting or entertaining. I’d even settle
for quirky. Surely everyone has the innate ability to be a little
quirky sometimes, but alas... even that one seems to elude me. My
therapist has the notion that my fascination with past life
experiences have left my present worldly role somewhat lacking. I am
sure that as a Gladiator under the shadows of the Great Coliseum of
Ancient Rome and even being burnt at the stake as a witch left me,
personally, in no doubt that my company was worthy of note. So, I am
sure that you can begin to understand my dilemma.
To be
honest, I don't recall ever being very fond of my own company. You
would think that after two years, I’d be more than practised in the
art of entertaining myself with thoughtful monologue or, that at the
very least I would have come to relish the emergence of the extra
voices that seem to echo around me. Yet, as I lie here in the vast
and empty confines of my inner prison, I have yet to find a way of
accepting the reality that the self, moreover my self, is not always
enough. Now don’t get me wrong, the overly drawn out episodes of
self-pity have long since passed. Ironically, in my state, I was in
no position to end it all myself. So self-pity, albeit that it was a
reflection I could still feel deeply and have irrational thoughts,
did become more than a little pointless. I mean, what’s the point
in self-pity if no-one else can hear you."
The mind loves proof. The above is proof of how far I have come but also proof that my gifts have been with me and remain with me regardless of the situations that I place myself in. Taking stock and noticing them from time to time is a great way to place a smile on your lips.
What has always been with you, even in the darker moments? What do you find yourself doing when life gets a little tough to draw you out of your own reverie?
And if you don't, try writing, drawing, painting, dancing, singing, cooking, gardening, walking in nature.... what would the child in you do?!
And remember to...
Turn around once in a while and smile at who you were.....
For without them, you wouldn't be who you are.....
With love always
Nikola
