Thank you to the Guy, at 15 years of age, who told me I was boring...

You see if that guy, on the train, hadn't told me I was boring at age 15... I would not have held that belief for so long and if I had not held that belief for so long, I would not have had to dig really deep for the truth. And the truth of the matter is that I'm actually a deeply interesting person, multi-faceted with a lust for learning and understanding.

Thank you to the girl in the playground at the age of 9 who came up to me whilst I was sitting quietly on my own, pulled my eyelids down and told me I was anaemic and that's why I had no friends. In digging deep I understand the power of words and how they can heal and how they can harm and so I choose to think about my words and their impact. I don't always succeed but the intent is there.

Thank you to the friend who told me that they were disappointed in me. For in the rejection of those words and in feeling that I had somehow failed as a person and as a friend, I had to dig really deep to find self acceptance and to honour my own path and choices not those belonging to someone else. 

Thank you to my Dad for not being able to say out loud that "he loves me" for in never hearing it I had to dig really deep to know that the most profound love comes from an inner knowing and an inner understanding that we are already love - we just have to remember. And in digging really deep I discovered that I did not need to hear the words, I already knew.

Thank you to the man who raped me at 19 for if he hadn't I would not have spent years disowning and disrespecting my body. I have had to dig really deep for this one. If I had not spent years disowning and disrespecting my body, I would not now be on a path of total and absolute alignment with my higher self. Total and absolute alignment with the sacredness of my body. And the total and absolute truth of the beauty and wonder that can be shared between a man and a woman. I am truly, truly grateful. 

As I write all of the above, there are tears.... tears of gratitude for the pain and the suffering for each uncomfortable moment has brought me to where I am now.

There is much on the internet and Facebook around Love and Gratitude at the moment... it seems we are being asked to be more aware and we are collectively understanding the importance of stepping into these two states. However, I urge you not to simply find solace in the words of others, in beautiful quotes or in beautiful pictures but to dig deep and find the places, the dark uncomfortable places in your life and find true gratitude for them. See how every moment that has brought you to your knees has caused you to dig deep and come through stronger, lighter, more loving, more giving... whatever the truth may be for you. And it is your truth. No-one else's. 

When you can be truly grateful for every moment that has caused you pain or heartache then life takes on a different hue... you realise that you designed it all perfectly to become the best and truest version of yourself. 

It may be that you are right in the middle of something that is testing your resolve (I know I am)... dig a little deeper... find the perfection.... dig a little deeper.... find the inner knowing.... and be deeply, deeply grateful.

In gratitude and in love, always

Nikola xx