Jacob's Ladder...

Jacob’s Ladder

By Nikki King

Just the beginning

(Some names have been changed for reasons of privacy)

I’ve just been sat in the stable of this beautiful little horse, allowing wave after wave of emotion to flow through me. The tears that I cry, I cry both for myself and for him. Of that I am very certain. And as I do so he stands over me quiet and very, very still. I am aware of his breath on the top of my head and I feel my breathing adjust to be in unison with his own. This calms us both and I am conscious that an exquisite and tender moment has just been shared for which I am very grateful but I know that the story is not to end here. There is more to discover and to counsel between us.

Indeed the story did not begin here either…

In the beginning….

Around three weeks ago, after an indefinite period of living back at home with my parents, which in itself was full of the most intense challenges but woven together with gift after gift of learning and deep moments of gratitude – I found myself with five days to find myself somewhere to live. I had obviously been aware of my parents imminent move to Dorset and I had made a very conscious choice to keep asking and to put my feelers out there, but to ultimately allow the Universe to usher me wherever it felt I needed to be for the next stage of my journey.

I anticipated that it would be London, since it made sense for work and connections but I kept my mind and my heart open. Interestingly the options that came up in London I was resistant to and so I waited. By moments, not so patiently but always trusting.

And so with five days before my parents move I received a message on Facebook from someone with whom I had not connected for a long time. I knew Charlie from the stables that I had belonged to for so many years. An opportunity had come up to help out and work with horses in return for accommodation. Given my income is currently low (non existent at times) – another lesson I have challenged myself with I was both intrigued and curious about why this opportunity had come up.

The following day I found myself in the deepest, darkest but most beautiful depths of the Hampshire countryside taking the decision that this was to be the next phase. This is where I was to be, at least for a time. I did not make this decision without some trepidation. I knew that I was going to be more isolated than I have ever been before – did I really need to spend any more time on my own, reflecting upon my own naval? Possibly not and yet something told me that I needed to be here and to simply trust that the reason would show up. This was not just about convenience – I felt that very clearly.

The day before I was due to settle in – I knew that a horse had arrived from Holland. The owner of the Centre, Kirsty, where I was residing had recently purchased him with a view to training him up and selling him on to a new and loving home. Kirsty has an innate knack of pairing horse to rider in the perfect partnerships. His stay would amount to about two weeks. And so Zandor and I arrived to ‘our’ new home together.

During my first few days, it sunk in just how isolated I was going to be and I was struggling to come to terms with why I had been guided here. I was unhappy and feeling very lost, lonely and scared that this was going to be yet another wrong path. Not just the wrong path but possibly even worse than that, a step backwards.

Isn’t it funny – how in these moments – we can forget everything we have learnt previously and sink into those well rehearsed behaviours that feed our sadness and pain and dare I say it self pity.

I decided to focus, take action and arranged to go up to London that week so that at least I would be connecting with friends and colleagues and remove myself from the isolation. It felt good to place my focus outside of the current state of emotions I found myself in.

So, that Thursday after working with the horses in the morning I made my way to Winchester in the car, leaving myself plenty of time to meet a dear friend and colleague in the afternoon for coffee prior to an evening seminar that I was very keen to get to. What ensued can only be described as two to three hours of deeply frustrating and painful occurrences, one after the other. My instincts, the signposts and the sat nav were all sending me in different directions whilst trying to find the train station. After an hour of driving around and sitting in streams of traffic and negotiating one-way systems, I found the station. I drove around the station car park with not a space to be had. I noticed a multi-storey car park opposite and spent the next fifteen minutes driving around this with no success. By this stage I was starting to feel a little fried around the edges and was conscious that my awareness of other vehicles on the road was lessening with each minute that passed. I should no longer have been driving being both a danger to myself and to others. I continued driving and came across a small car park that was at least a 10 minute walk from the station but this did not matter. I still had time to make my way into London. I got out to pay and noticed the sign that read that you could only park there for 4 hours maximum…. not long enough.

I got back in the car and allowed the tears to start falling. What should have been so simple was becoming increasingly stressful and I began to wonder whether I was indeed meant to make it into London. I took a deep breath and decided to try the station car park once more. I was now about two hours into this epic attempt to simply park my car. Lo and behold I found a space. I had missed meeting my friend but I could still make it for the evening event. I thought very hard about simply heading back but I was here now and it was important to make the effort and take the action I felt I needed to take to remain in touch, with life. On attempting to buy a ticket, I realized that I did not have £8.00 in change and for reasons that I do not need to go into here, I was unable to pay on my phone as I was not in possession of a credit or debit card. Stumped, duped – crestfallen.

I got back in the car and surrendered. Three hours after leaving my little village – I found myself returning.

The drive back was an interesting one.

Those that know me know that I don’t tend to show or release anger vocally. Whilst I allow my emotions out, most of the time, it tends to be quietly or through tears. I have never been one to scream and shout rather leave the scene and make myself absent.

Over the next few miles, I screamed like I have never done before. I begged the Universe to show me what I was here for because I sure as hell didn’t know. I swore like an absolute trooper using the f**k word more times than I am proud of but I simply didn’t care. I had finally lost the strength to hold myself together anymore. I simply didn’t know how. I had lost the desire to fight, to try and work it out. It was up to the Universe now because I simply didn’t have a clue.

As I got back to my village – the beautiful village church caught my attention and as I was not ready to return to my new ‘home’ and admit defeat and be in danger of wallowing in pain and hurt, I pulled over, entered the church and sat down and I prayed like I have never prayed before. I apologized for my language in the car but I did not apologise for the sentiment. I needed help and I was finally ready to receive it. I’m not sure how long I sat there for but it was long enough for me to feel a sense of calm wash over me. I did not necessarily feel any clearer but at least I had voiced my anguish and knew that someone somewhere had heard my prayers. They were certainly loud enough.

I shared some of this experience on Facebook and I am deeply grateful for the people who reached out.

In particular, it was the words of my beautiful friend and Angel Lynda that brought about two realisations.

She said to me, there is a reason that you have found yourself amongst horses again and there will be one horse in particular that you will connect with. As I read these words, I knew which horse it was and I knew that it was already true. I just needed to acknowledge and take the time to be with him.

The other piece that this gave to me was that I needed to be “here”. It was not important how long that might be for… perhaps only a few weeks or possibly months, but whilst I was staying here and this was my ‘home’ I needed to really be here. I needed to be present to the medicine that was on offer. Not being able to get into London and not following my instincts was a wonderful lesson in not being present but in trying to force a situation and to be somewhere else just because the current scenario felt a little sticky, a little uncomfortable.

Well, guess what  - I knew that being uncomfortable was exactly where I needed to be if I was to evolve and grow.

Stable Talk

And so that evening I went and sat with Zandor for around an hour and let him know that I knew we needed to connect and I asked him what he would like to talk about and to share. I allowed myself to release a little more and simply spent time with him. It was therapeutic and I knew that there were more conversations to be had but that for now – I had made it known to him and to myself that I was open to connecting to him. That felt good.

Over the next couple of days – I found moments where it was quiet and I could just go and be with him. Sometimes for ten minutes – others for longer.

It had become apparent through his behavior that things were not feeling altogether comfortable for Zandor too.

The first morning that I took him out to the field – he was feeling very fresh and on his toes. There was much snorting and ‘looking’ at his surroundings. As we neared the outside arena and he caught sight of the fields – one minute I had him on the end of the lead rope and the next he had fled.  That is the only way that I can describe it – it felt to me in that moment that he was fleeing from something.

Catching him was not too much of an issue and we made it into the field unscathed but this incident got me thinking and feeling. I wasn’t sure what it was that I was picking up on, but there was something. He clearly had his own story to tell too.

This little horse had been bought as a very quiet and easy ten year-old. Kirsty had ridden him in Holland and so when he started misbehaving whilst being ridden – literally squealing, bucking and fleeing – things started not to add up. This was not the horse she had ridden and bought. Something was awry. It was fairly apparent that whilst at times, easy to do, he simply didn’t seem very happy and was clearly reacting to something.

As I write this story down I am increasingly aware of my desire to document every moment with him in regards to the experience of myself my experience of him and my experience of the two of us together. It feels key and deeply important to write about it and acknowledge it as a gift that is beyond my full comprehension. And it will remain so until the story comes to its conclusion and maybe not even then. Right now, I am in the middle of it and I am curious, excited, scared, in awe and wonder.

Under my skin

During one of the first times that I chose to spend with Zandor in the stable just quietly been present – I became aware that if this little horse was going to communicate with me – I had to let him in. I had to open my heart and converse with him from there. He was not going to and could not talk to me from my head.

This presented three big challenges for me. Firstly, I find it far easier to stay in my head. Whilst this is not where I want to be it is where I have learnt to be, to be with the thoughts and power of my intellectual mind. It is safe and keeps me from getting hurt. In truth, this hurts deeply too as my desire to live from my heart is so, so strong and it is painful not to. To not allow people in and to love you is painful. To not open your heart and love people in a way that you ‘know’ is possible is also deeply painful.

Secondly, the greatest love of my life had been my own horse, Amadeus who I had had for the most amazing thirteen years and had seen me through some of my toughest years as a teenager and in my twenties. Was I really prepared to let another horse into my heart, when the grief of losing Amadeus could still rip me open? This little horse was potentially only going to be here for a couple of weeks. Could I really risk loving him and letting him love me back only to know that he was leaving? Could I risk not loving and not learning what it was that we had to share?

And lastly I was challenged with my own expectations of how I wanted or needed the communication to happen. What was I expecting? What did I need or want to hear? How was I going to hear it? What if he didn’t communicate with me in some way? There was something deeply profound taking place and I was afraid that I might not allow it to happen, that even though I sensed and felt so much that I wouldn’t see it through – couldn’t find a way of seeing it through.

Truth is – whilst these challenges were being presented to me – this little horse had already got under my skin and the only reason and the only way that could happen is because that is exactly where I wanted him.

It was whilst I was battling with letting him in and letting myself love him that I sensed he didn’t want to be called Zandor and so I asked him what name he would prefer… and I quite clearly received, ‘Jacob’ and so Jacob it would be when we were together. I didn’t feel the need to mention it to anyone else.

The Shaman’s Visit

During my first conversation with Kirsty whilst I was still deliberating over whether moving to the back of beyond was a good idea or not, she mentioned one of her closest friends…

[Brief interlude – the most beautiful Greater Spotted Woodpecker has just come visiting… first one I have seen here. The medicine wheel is in motion]

Back to the story… she mentioned one of her closest friends Stella. Stella was something of a kindred spirit and works shamanically; at times finding this life a little hard to be in. Did I really need any more convincing that I was meant to be in this ‘space’ for now?! I knew I would be isolated but at least I also knew that I could have conversations at a level that would keep me enriched and lit up from the inside.

Stella was due to visit over the next couple of weeks. The morning that she arrived, I was in the yard finishing off my yard duties… sweeping the floor in a somewhat meditative trance. Stella walked in and immediately I felt her warmth, groundedness and I felt at home. Whilst we were talking about our respective work and ‘lives’… Kirsty joined us and we started to talk about Zandor.

Stella, having spoken to the horses upon her arrival proffered that maybe Zandor’s arrival was something to do with me and that we needed to make a connection. I looked at them both and responded that I already knew this to be true. To have it confirmed though was quite remarkable and made me even more keen, willing and open to connect with him. Surely we had something to share with each other and more importantly, I felt we had some healing that was to be done together. Stella simply invited me to have a conversation with him. The door was open to do so and he was willing – I simply had to accept the invite. No pressure, just an invitation. How could I refuse, when I had felt so much already?!

Having both Kirsty and Stella to talk to on a level that I dearly love was nurturing and nourishing in and of itself and if this alone was my reason for being here, then I was deeply grateful. Being present and accepting that I needed to be ‘here’ was starting to feel ever more comfortable and ever more necessary for any healing or learning’s to take place.

Jacob’s Ladder

I joined the family and Stella for dinner that evening and whilst I won’t go into the detail, I am sure you can imagine the delicious conversation that was on offer. What was most interesting though and still brings a wry smile is that as I walked into their Kitchen, Kirsty remarked to me that she felt we needed to give Zandor a different name. She didn’t like it and didn’t feel that it suited him and she felt it would be appropriate if I chose something else. She looked at me warily and confessed that she was rather concerned about what I might come up with!

I looked at them both and remarked that it was funny that it should be mentioned but I had had that conversation with him a couple of days previously and he had told me ‘Jacob’… and so it officially became Jacob. Stella simply gave me a knowing smile.

Later on that evening I looked up the ‘meaning’ of the name Jacob and the story behind the biblical birth of Jacob who was born holding the ankle of his brother. The name meaning to follow…. somehow this did not resonate. It was then that I recalled a phrase we had used over dinner and dismissed, lightly…. ‘Jacob’s Ladder’.  Jacob’s ladder is a ladder that allows access to the heavens from earth and for those who abide in heaven to descend to earth. A two way ladder connecting us all.

Here was another moment that I needed to take time and acknowledge. Jacob was a symbol of one of the greatest challenges in my life, my connection to source and my trusting in my connection to source. Here in front of me was the most beautiful, if troubled, horse whose very ‘being here with me’ was the most extraordinary gift. He was my connection to God, to source and I was his if we allowed it to be so…. this journey between us continues.

For if I could allow Jacob into my heart and thereby allow him to help me to heal, to let go of my sadness and suffering… then I could do the very same thing for him. I knew he had suffered somewhere along the line and as I have already mentioned he, at times, appeared sad and lost.

When we see reflections of ourselves in other people – it is easy to get lost in judgments and projections, asking who does the feeling belong to. With Jacob, with this stunning soul, how could I make any judgments or project my story onto him… we simply shared a divine space and have both been offered the most profound gift in each other. And this relationship does not have to be forever. I am well aware that he could be gone in a matter of a week or two. Am I really prepared to give this everything I have…. the answer is yes, simply because I cannot bear the idea of him leaving with a heavy heart. And I now know that I wish the exact same thing for myself. I cannot leave this place of healing, in the most amazing countryside with a heavy heart.

Questions and Answers

There are many questions for Kirsty in relation to Jacob. There are some very practical questions around him now costing money that he should not have done and potentially a loss of money as ‘homing’ him to the right person still remains a mystery. Kirsty is very open to the spiritual side of this horse and her own lessons and spirituality in relation to him. Not least when one morning she said quite simply – I just want him gone. His presence here is not a welcome one. He is a reminder that this did not go according to plan. And I completely understand where she is coming from. There is a balance in all of life between the ‘knowing’ and the ‘spiritual’ and the very practical day to day living that needs to take place.

And here in the middle is Jacob….

There have been a few answers, at least a few suggestions about how Kirsty can recoup her money and for Jacob to be happy…. there is talk of him going to Wales to an Eventer, who would happily x-country him and put him through his paces. It was suggested to me by an amazing friend and colleague of mine about getting an homeopathic vet out to see him. This is a route that I would like to try and yet I am very aware that this is not my decision to make.

And as I sit here writing this story down and reflecting upon all that I have observed and felt – I am acutely aware of one thing….

Jacob’s behavior

Jacob’s behavior is extremely well known to me. His quiet and passive, attentive and loving side. His slightly needy and insecure side. His reactive side of fleeing from a situation he does not feel wholly comfortable in. A sense of being uncomfortable in his own skin. That when he is ‘out of his body’ he is absolutely fine and can cope with anything. When he is ‘in his body’ and his soul is present it is almost overwhelming for him, as though he doesn’t know quite where to place himself or what to do with himself. And yet there is this magnificent, beautiful soul who simply wants to love and be loved in return.

To see your own self, reflected back at you in this way – I’m not sure I have the words….

This moment…..

And so, this story brings me to this very moment, where I am sat here typing this, allowing every single word to permeate every part of me. I am not sure which emotion is now taking precedence…. love, fear, curiosity, wonder, excitement, trepidation…

For what I came to realize today is that I have the power to heal Jacob without intervention from anyone else because he has the power to heal me without any intervention from anyone else… for if we allow ourselves to connect, we are connecting to the universe, to the source of love and of life… we are connecting back to ourselves. Are we ready for this, to let go of our stories and to be present with each other?

Are we ready to simply listen to and follow our hearts…. to break down the barriers, to let go of all that our bodies have held onto for so long, to allow our souls to fully inhabit our bodies. Are we ready to love and feel love from the divine? To know our own divinity.

And so I wait in eager anticipation of tomorrow… another day… knowing that he is actually with me right here and now, with each conscious thought and breath.

Sunday morning coffee

In one of my more isolated moments, I also made a decision to join an internet dating site whilst here – not necessarily with the intention of meeting someone significant but so that I could go out for a sociable drink or two and engage in conversation with someone other than myself.

At 09:00 this morning as Emily, the other girl who helps out on the yard at weekends, walked Jacob past my window – at that exact same moment – I received a notification from the dating site… “Jacob wants to meet you.” You really can’t make this stuff up. Thank you Universe. I’m listening.

Guess I better put on my wet weather gear and go and join him in the field and see what it is that he wants to say this morning. With this in mind and clearing away my breakfast things – I caught sight of “Way of the Horse” sitting on my windowsill. This is a beautiful book written by Linda Kohavona exploring the Equine Archetypes. The book is accompanied by the most beautiful medicine cards – with stunning illustrations by Kim McElroy. I smiled.  Taking the book off the shelf I knew that I was choosing a card for Jacob this morning.

Initially I just saw the coloured horse and turquoise butterfly illustrated. Looking a little closer I saw the beautiful bay horse in the background, with deep knowing in his eyes… a little sad maybe, reflective, deep pain with its associated wisdom. I could not have chosen more perfectly if I had tried… but of course. So I picked up the book to read the associated description…..

“Transformation”

Rebirth

Power Reclaimed

True Freedom

On the wings of a butterfly, a vibrant, multicoloured horse remembers the landscape of paradise.

The Gift – The roller coaster of life reveals a timeless source of peace

The Challenge – True freedom demands relinquishing limiting patterns and beliefs. A part of you must die to be reborn.

I will include the full chapter linked to this card at the end of this story because it is simply worth everyone reading.

There are signs everywhere if we stop looking for them. I am here learning to stop looking and searching out there and noticing what is right here in front of me. When you start noticing, the Universe responds with more and more signs. Why is this? Perhaps it is because when we are aligned and in flow, the Universe feels us and hears us so much more clearly. It seems to me that being in the flow is about being in the flow of happiness, peace, joy and stillness but also about being in the flow of hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, not knowing. There is only this moment and when I am in it, ‘truly in it’ I notice.

“Way of the Horse” – an extract

Equine Archetypes for Self Discovery

Linda Kohanov with illustrations by Kim McElroy

Card Picked – 27^th April 2014

“Transformation”

Rebirth

Power Reclaimed

True Freedom

On the wings of a butterfly, a vibrant, multicoloured horse remembers the landscape of peace.

The Gift – The roller coaster ride of life reveals a timeless source of peace

The Challenge – True freedom demands relinquishing limiting patterns and beliefs. A part of you must die to be reborn

‘The Journey’

“One night, out of the dying embers of particularly stressful day, I had a dream. I was flying over a magnificent nebula, incandescent clouds of indigo, lavender, sapphire, and crimson spiraling out of a radiant, amber core. A dark-haired man dressed in white lured me onto the wing of our spaceship and pointed to a bay horse standing at the edge. The brown eyed gelding, his forelock tinged with gray, looked back at me briefly, peacefully – before leaping off the side. As he plunged into the fiery, pulsating centre, concentric rings of energy moved outward. Yet unlike a stone hitting water, these waves refused to dissipate. They actually strengthened in speed and intensity the farther they moved from their origin. In my astonishment, I could not mourn the horse’s disappearance. I could only marvel at the new galaxy he had become.

Like a caterpillar relinquishes its form, literally dissolving in the cocoon, transformation begins with sacrifice. And yet the nourishment gleaned from crawling along the ground is not lost. All that effort, methodically climbing up tree trunks and inching along branch by branch to each tasty leaf, fortifies the creation of a new being, one who views life from a more exalted perspective. The butterfly emerges into the same world she left behind, but she most certainly doesn’t see it the same way. She flies deftly from flower to flower, her metamorphosis timed to sip the sweetness of life in all its blooming glory. Clouds still move across the sky; storms still come and go; but the agile monarch covers territory unimaginable to her caterpillar brain. Alighting in well-groomed rose gardens, savoring cactus blossoms, floating over horses racing through fields of golden wildflowers, she rides the wind in reverie, her body a flowing, fluttering work of art.

Humans too are designed for transformation, though we all too often resist it. But do we really have a choice? As much as we cultivate security and predictability, life just won’t stand still. Any thing we attach happiness to changes, passes away, or fades through attrition. Yet when we dare to move beyond our self-imposed limits, we don’t lose the knowledge of a lifetime, we reclaim power from habits inadvertently accumulated along the way. Most everything we do and think originally arises purposefully, allowing us to survive, fit in, make a living, start a family. At a certain point, however, some of our dearest thoughts and behaviours outlive their usefulness and become downright parasitic, siphoning energy that could fuel a more rarified, expansive consciousness.

Letting go of old patterns is easier said that done, of course. Evolution often requires a critical mass of growth, followed by a frightening big bang or tempestuous expulsion from the birth canal. By the time you’re ripe for that quantum leap to the next level, you’ve formed a relatively comfortable identity, and the journey from womb to brave new world outside seems downright rude. True innovation is an alchemical reconfiguring of what was harvested and digested in a more constricted state, the death of an old way of being that gains something greater through trust and surrender. Yet the fear and pain or, rather, the fear of pain is more than compensated for by the absolute ecstasy of a higher perspective.

We are not born to live and die, but to die and be reborn many times before leaving this earth. Yet underneath this strange roller-coaster ride, a timeless core asserts itself. In gaining the courage and fluidity to undergo constant metamorphosis, we access a deep peace capable of embracing the ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows of life. “Eventually, as Anne Rudloe writes in Butterflies on a Sea Wind, it’s possible to attain a balance that is independent of external circumstances…. With this poise, a sense of connectedness arises, and out of that comes the ability to live with grace, almost with effortlessness.” Over time, we learn that life “is not about being happy and whole because things worked out the way we wanted. Life is about being whole regardless of what happens. It’s about a deep well-being that persists though we might not be comfortable at the moment. This kind of peace is within reach for everyone, but it never occurs to most people that happiness can based on anything besides getting what we want and being in pleasant external circumstances… without a specific, rigid goal to struggle toward, we can be much more free, with much less struggle and pain and fear in the task we undertake.”

Your horse already knows this, of course. She doesn’t need to win a blue ribbon to enjoy a find spring day, and yet she’s willing to try for the fun of it. In fact she’s willing to do almost anything if it fosters connectedness, and in this sense, she may very well be the teacher you’ve been looking for all your life.

Rudloe studied with Zen masters for years to gain what is essentially an equine perspective. “Our place in this life, our only place, is wherever we find ourselves in each instant. An effort is made and results arise. The energy will go where the energy needs to go. The only thing to do is live life without any resentment toward life and to pay attention to whatever teachers arise.”

Sometimes I can’t help but think that horses followed us out of the Garden of Eden, tilled our fields and fought our wards, simply to remind us of freedom’s promise. “