"Who do you choose?!
Are you ready to choose you?!
Are you ready to choose you?!
This evening whilst in a deep reverie and dance, I stopped in front on the mirror and caught myself looking at myself in a new way. Intrigued by my hands, my face, my hair, the way I was moving....
A calm and yet powerful force of energy came over me....
The question that came.... "Who do you choose?!"
And the answer without faltering..... "I choose me"
And the answer without faltering..... "I choose me"
Over and over and over.... despite the twists and turns of this human experience.....When you really choose you, life takes on a different hue... 
"
"
In the week following this post, I have been pondering and have been asking myself in the quiet moments, what does it really mean to choose yourself and actually how do we do it?!
I believe that we create what we need in life in order to experience ourselves at the deepest level, should we choose to do so. In order to choose me, I need to love me fully and without exception. Self love is no small task given there are so many factors that affect how we view ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. We are all aware of how our childhoods, social conditions and so on are a predeterminer to how we behave and act towards ourselves and others.
What I really want to focus on with this blog though is the internal balance that is shifting and aligning within myself to bring myself to that still point of choosing every aspect of myself.
I believe that we create what we need in life in order to experience ourselves at the deepest level, should we choose to do so. In order to choose me, I need to love me fully and without exception. Self love is no small task given there are so many factors that affect how we view ourselves and how we feel about ourselves. We are all aware of how our childhoods, social conditions and so on are a predeterminer to how we behave and act towards ourselves and others.
What I really want to focus on with this blog though is the internal balance that is shifting and aligning within myself to bring myself to that still point of choosing every aspect of myself.
I am incredibly lucky that I have a beautiful connection and relationship with my mother. However, what I am referring to here, is the mother inside of me. Much of this year has so far been about learning to really nurture and love myself no matter what. In all the moments when I felt I 'should' be doing more or doing something different or in a different way, I realise now that in order to quieten my inner critic and the self judgment, I needed to find my inner mother. The one who would love me unconditionally.
I needed to find the innate part of me that would love me no matter the choices I was making. The part of me that would hold my hand rather than leave me alone and afraid. I needed to gently soothe my wounds and put a pretty plaster on. I needed to be my own best friend and feel that I had someone holding me and watching over me so that I could surrender to a deeper place within myself. To a place where I could really receive and know that unconditional love intimately.
I needed to find the innate part of me that would love me no matter the choices I was making. The part of me that would hold my hand rather than leave me alone and afraid. I needed to gently soothe my wounds and put a pretty plaster on. I needed to be my own best friend and feel that I had someone holding me and watching over me so that I could surrender to a deeper place within myself. To a place where I could really receive and know that unconditional love intimately.
My oracle card yesterday morning was the above, "healing the divine masculine" and the inspiration for writing this blog. Recent interactions in my life have brought up (another layer) of one of my core wounds around the father / daughter dynamic. A dynamic that many of us know so well, of not feeling seen. Ive been able to attribute new words to that dynamic this week through my experience of not feeling chosen.
And so I take myself back to the girl in the mirror who saw herself and chose herself.... and I realise that in choosing myself fully and wholly.... I need to honour myself, the mother in me and also the father in me. This is a new concept for me and one that could radically change my relationship to myself and to men. Ive been questioning that if I am truly choosing me, then why is it still playing out in my life that perceptively a man may not be choosing me. If I am to be my own mother, then I also need to be my own father. An aspect that I have continuously sought to find externally in someone else. (Albeit unconsciously). To be my own father is to find the part of me that protects and honours me unconditionally. To be my own father is to know my own strength without power, control or aggression and to be discerning and a stabilising force in my own life.
To be my own father, actually allows the little girl to come out to play because she is being watched and looked after. Someone else is in charge of looking out for any danger. To be my own father, allows me to be the fullness of my femininity because I won't be judged for being too soft or too vulnerable. To father myself means that I get to take graceful steps and to really feel into something and to trust my intuition because someone else is taking ownership of logic and reason.
If I can do all of this for myself, then I am truly starting to choose ME fully and moreover, I am getting to be ME fully.
And so I take myself back to the girl in the mirror who saw herself and chose herself.... and I realise that in choosing myself fully and wholly.... I need to honour myself, the mother in me and also the father in me. This is a new concept for me and one that could radically change my relationship to myself and to men. Ive been questioning that if I am truly choosing me, then why is it still playing out in my life that perceptively a man may not be choosing me. If I am to be my own mother, then I also need to be my own father. An aspect that I have continuously sought to find externally in someone else. (Albeit unconsciously). To be my own father is to find the part of me that protects and honours me unconditionally. To be my own father is to know my own strength without power, control or aggression and to be discerning and a stabilising force in my own life.
To be my own father, actually allows the little girl to come out to play because she is being watched and looked after. Someone else is in charge of looking out for any danger. To be my own father, allows me to be the fullness of my femininity because I won't be judged for being too soft or too vulnerable. To father myself means that I get to take graceful steps and to really feel into something and to trust my intuition because someone else is taking ownership of logic and reason.
If I can do all of this for myself, then I am truly starting to choose ME fully and moreover, I am getting to be ME fully.
There is much about the balancing of the masculine and feminine both externally in the world and internally. These last couple of weeks have made me realise that perhaps it is helpful to recognise and be all of the aspects of the masculine and feminine in and of ourselves. That includes being our own father and mother.
What might it take for you to choose all of YOU?!
As ever, writing with curiosity....
With love and blessings
Nikki x
What might it take for you to choose all of YOU?!
As ever, writing with curiosity....
With love and blessings
Nikki x
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