Permission to have a "God Complex" and "Be Inappropriate".... Courtesy of JC.

So, this blog post will be a treat of a diversion from my usual posts (or will it?!). 
Dedicated simply to the "bigging up" of one individual.... aka Mr Jamie Catto.

As hinted at by the title of this blog, this unapologetic wittering is intended to let other people know of his genius and encourage them wholeheartedly to sign up to one of his workshops... my support of all things Jamie Catto can be neatly categorised by the simple fact that for two whole days I was given permission to have a God complex and vociferously encouraged to be inappropriate.... well, why wouldn't you?!

Given that Jamie's self confessed abhorrence towards "appropriate" people was voiced early on, I did wonder whether I shouldn't just grab my coat at this very early juncture and bid a hasty retreat. Danger is, you retreat back to whence you came and dont get to see and to feel all the annoyingly valuable insights about yourself throughout the rest of the weekend.

I was just going to have to get over the fact that I am the most appropriate person I know and literally get 'over myself.' So, here is a question for you? Where does being appropriate get you? 

I can honestly say that being of a sensitive nature, I go out of my way to ensure that I don't offend, upset, behave inappropriately with anyone. Where do you think that gets me? Intriguingly people find themselves feeling offended or upset or feeling like I have behaved inappopriately because I'm not always voicing my truth in those moments. 

So, I got to be rude over the weekend - suffice to say it needs a little more practice (having spent years dampening down this side of my personality) but ironically when I am rude, it commands more respect because I'm being more authentic. 

Learning how to say, "Fuck Off" (sorry, mum) from a place of love is liberating.... 

And, what you will get from Jamie is no holes barred love and support (just so long as you don't make any apologies for who you are)... 

We are multi faceted, multi personality, multi dimensional creatures. All that we are is quite amazing just so long as you embrace the good, the bad and the ugly about you. 

So, what's it really like spending time with Jamie Catto and friends....?! Have no expectations and you will gain everything. If you are ready to step into a space of authenticity, truth and an awareness that we are more than just a little bit 'crazy' around the edges then I would urge you to go and spend some time with him. 

Jamie is clearly passionate about the work that he does - that's why I find myself in this space supporting his work and wanting to share.... I have no attachment other than hoping that at some stage in the future Jamie will begin to find me a little less "appropriate".

Jamie Catto.... YOU ROCK!!!

www.jamiecatto.com... the wonderful world of JC and it is a wonderful world to be a small part of, not least because of the other awesome beings you are destined to meet.

As always, shared with love 
(and with this edition a generous helping of God complex and inappropriateness)

Nikola xx

Turn around once in a while and smile at who you were.......

I've always loved words.... primarily the feeling of how words come together without thinking too hard about  what it is that I am trying to say or even how it may come across. Perhaps that's the crux of the matter for me. 'Words coming together without having to think too hard.....' As a self-confessed thinker and analyzer of that which does not need to be analyzed, finding something that can take me out of that head space is a true gift. I wonder, is this what it means to be in the flow.... allowing the sub conscious to perforate the conscious and dictatorial mind. 

I've tried other creative pursuits.... dancing, singing, art... all of which my head is still bound by its seemingly rightful place as dominant over my heart. Heavily practised in the art of criticism and profound ability to see that which is not perfect; and yet when I write my heart is ever present, ever knowing and ever seeing. When I write from the heart there are no boundaries and most importantly no judgments from myself.

So, why this particular blog?!

I came across a piece of writing yesterday that I would like to share with you that emphasizes the importance for me, of recognising where we have come from and where we are now. I have spoken before about not being drawn into the drama of a situation as it reinforces the emotions that may have been felt at the time. However, I do believe that there is deep and hidden value in once in a while, stopping, taking time to breathe, turning around and smiling at the steps that you have taken to take you from one place to the next. We do not celebrate ourselves enough. So quick to judge. So quick to be critical. So quick to not take time to stand and stare. Moreover, the importance of seeing and holding true the value of having been in that situation. 

I'm not sure when I wrote this piece. I am sharing because it reminded me in no uncertain terms just how far I have come. It is also a reminder to me that we are all vulnerable and fallible. These are strengths, not weaknesses. That we have the capacity to choose to learn from the choices we make is no happy coincidence. We are powerful beyond our own ability to comprehend. And it also makes me realise that even in my darker moments, I had a propensity for words. 

What is profoundly interesting for me in the following piece of writing is that I no longer see the girl that I am talking about, rather I feel deeply proud of the way the words are put together, their poetic hum and their ability to evoke emotion....

"To be honest, I am not very fond of my own company. I am not unaware that this fact has a tendency to make life somewhat difficult, given that wherever you go, there you are. Perhaps if I could remember when I first became aware of my distaste of my own existence, I could go back and re-write all beliefs and behaviours that have served to compound my inability to find myself either interesting or entertaining. I’d even settle for quirky. Surely everyone has the innate ability to be a little quirky sometimes, but alas... even that one seems to elude me. My therapist has the notion that my fascination with past life experiences have left my present worldly role somewhat lacking. I am sure that as a Gladiator under the shadows of the Great Coliseum of Ancient Rome and even being burnt at the stake as a witch left me, personally, in no doubt that my company was worthy of note. So, I am sure that you can begin to understand my dilemma.

To be honest, I don't recall ever being very fond of my own company. You would think that after two years, I’d be more than practised in the art of entertaining myself with thoughtful monologue or, that at the very least I would have come to relish the emergence of the extra voices that seem to echo around me. Yet, as I lie here in the vast and empty confines of my inner prison, I have yet to find a way of accepting the reality that the self, moreover my self, is not always enough. Now don’t get me wrong, the overly drawn out episodes of self-pity have long since passed. Ironically, in my state, I was in no position to end it all myself. So self-pity, albeit that it was a reflection I could still feel deeply and have irrational thoughts, did become more than a little pointless. I mean, what’s the point in self-pity if no-one else can hear you."

The mind loves proof. The above is proof of how far I have come but also proof that my gifts have been with me and remain with me regardless of the situations that I place myself in. Taking stock and noticing them from time to time is a great way to place a smile on your lips. 

What has always been with you, even in the darker moments? What do you find yourself doing when life gets a little tough to draw you out of your own reverie?

And if you don't, try writing, drawing, painting, dancing, singing, cooking, gardening, walking in nature.... what would the child in you do?!

And remember to...

Turn around once in a while and smile at who you were.....

For without them, you wouldn't be who you are.....

With love always

Nikola

Walk on water....

You said that you could walk on water


But your ego told you lies

You sunk beneath the waves of life

And gasped and flailed – you died


Within the depths you learned to breathe

And drowned out all the noise

Within your heart a stone, it turned

Life is different now


You said that you could walk on water

The soul it knows no lies

You’ve learned to ride the waves of life

You’re free, you’re one, Alive


Within the depths you learned to breathe

And drowned out all the noise

Within your heart a stone it turned

Life is peaceful now


The waves of life now hold you up

Not drag you down below

Dare you let yourself to dream 

To walk on water now

Doorways and Hallways....

"When one door closes another one opens....." 
~Alexander Graham Bell~

This quote goes on to say that often we spend so long looking at the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened in front of us.....
I have always loved this quote and yet it strikes me that if we do not see the open door, we are not necessarily aware that we have missed the opportunity except that we remain where we were, likely in an uncomfortable place or one that we wish would change.

On further reflection on this quote, it would seem pertinent to suggest that what is even worse is that we see an open door but we wait for someone else to take our hand and guide us through. Or we wait for someone else to drag us kicking and screaming through the door or to give us a gentle / hefty (delete as appropriate) kick up the derriere and launch us through the door.

Would any of these options give us the satisfaction that we are clearly looking for by seeking a new opportunity - looking for that open doorway?! I can be fairly certain that the initial joy of reaching the other side would be short lived and we'd soon be looking for another doorway to give us what we were looking for in the first place.

Forgive me if I am talking too much in metaphor.....

I had the opportunity to do a radio interview this week about my work and my message and one of the most important messages that I wish to share at the moment relates to the metaphorical splurge above.

We are living in very interesting times on an individual and global scale... and what is becoming more and more apparent to me is that there is an increasing number of teachers out there offering their support and guidance on how best to navigate our own personal trials and also how to navigate the global issues that are self evident. So, who do you follow? Whose advice and guidance do you seek? Who do you believe? Who do you trust? Who's telling the truth? Who is going to best help you in your particular personal dilemma, whatever that might be?

When you are in that dark hallway with the closed door behind you and the open doorway in front of you and you are alone, who do you ask about what should be your next move? There are no other ways out and there is no way that anyone else can find you in this hallway. What do you do?
Do you sit waiting and praying that someone will find you?
Do you re-enter the darkness to try and find the door through which you came?
Or do you start to trust the voice of intuition? Do you start to hear the voice of your heart and your head urging you to step towards the open door? What's the worst that can happen?
How would it feel to walk through that open doorway unaided into a new and exciting and vibrant opportunity?!

Let me make something extraordinarily clear.. I am in no way, shape or form suggesting that all those beautiful teachers and souls out there who are doing amazing work are superfluous to our requirements... quite the contrary. However, what I am saying is that as individuals we need to use discernment in our choice of which teachers we feel aligned to and whose message we resonate with. There is no right or wrong answer here.

I know I am not the only one in the field of personal development who spent many years going to as many workshops and different programmes as possible in order to "find myself"... trouble is that in an effort to find myself in amongst the multitude of different teachings I was hearing, I actually lost a sense of my truth, my awareness and most importantly my intuition. This was not down to the teachers or the courses but down to my desire to find myself. In hindsight, some of my time would have been better placed being still and with myself. Being with me and my intuition and my own inner guidance.  When we have a better understanding of ourselves and a deep awareness of who we are, then we can make a conscious decision to take on board what a teacher has said or disregard it as not important to us, as an individual.

So, in essence, what I am encouraging you to do.... is to become more deeply aware and aligned to who you are. Spend time with yourself, listening to your own inner voice and time listening to the needs of your body and mind for they are unique to you.

Then when a teacher, guide, coach, mentor, friend shows you an open door of opportunity... you have everything within you to make the choice to step through on your own, should you choose to do so.

The most important relationship we have is with ourselves....
Listen, learn and love.....

As always, shared with love

Nikola xx

The Idle Ramblings of a Wannabe Insomniac...(tongue in cheek)

Monday February 11th at midnight..... 

After unsuccessfully getting my required sleep quota the previous two nights, Monday I chose to put myself to bed at the heady time of 19h00..... At midnight, the horizontal position became a little tedious and so to ease the inanity of the situation I wrote the following stream of consciousness.... an exercise successfully used by many to empty the mind in order to aid a deep and restful sleep.... please be mindful that I was still awake at 04:30am on Tuesday morning having not dropped off to sleep at all.

This blog is shared with a hint of irony, some simple moments of truth in the present moment, a generous dose of vulnerability and a desire to suggest that humor is most definitely needed at all times.Note to self: Really must make more time to laugh at myself...

I can't sleep. My mind is a whir of constant thoughts and trying to work out feelings about a number of different subjects. Unfortunately they are topics that are close to the core of who I am and the person I am here to express in the world.
Come to think of it, my mind is always a whir of thoughts and trying to work things out, to make sense in order to take action. Not sure I am even capable of rationalising anymore, I'm just trying to find a way, my way. 

And here I find myself repeating the haunting mantra, get out of your head and into your heart, there is no try, just be. And yet in my current state, this brings little comfort. I wouldn't call it anger as such, but there is most definitely a level of frustration and a level of wishing that I could completely surrender and let go of the need for my mind to control every action. I am tired physically (that'll be the lack of sleep) and I am tired emotionally. My eyes are tired, my skin is tired and yet my brain won't let me drift into a peaceful slumber.

What questions am I not asking? Are my thoughts really so unhelpful as to keep this little reality of mine on an ever spinning wheel?

Thoughts become things, choose the good ones. Dear Lord, I'm trying. There's that word again, 'trying'. How does one get to 'be' without 'trying'? Is there not always going to be an element of thought in the process of letting go and releasing? Don't we have to recognise that which we need to let go of and does the recognising that not come from feeling it and having a thought witness it?

So, maybe a better question would be, how do I get my damned mind to work in harmony with my heart, not in belligerent opposition? 

How do I act from a heart centred space knowing that my thoughts will support and not blindly cause me to go in entirely the opposite direction, or worse still just bury my head in the vast sands of the desert? And which question should I be asking about what topic and in what order?

If I address this conversation to God, will he answer. Therein lies another conundrum. If my head got out of my own way, I might actually be able to hear his answers. That's an interesting subject matter. Did beheading people bring them closer to God in the fastest way, out of all the old forms of execution? I'm not suggesting I try it, merely musing on it. But then musing, whilst its a softer and more congenial word is still a form of thinking, is it not?

Sleep deprivation - is this being brought on by a higher source so that I simply no longer have the capacity to think...

Unfortunately, it would seem that whilst it might leave me bereft of the ability to form coherent sentences (although I appear not to be doing too badly at the moment) it does not disable my ability to be hard on myself for being unable to function.

And just how much does one have to write whilst doing a stream of consciousness exercise in order to induce a sleep like state? This notebook has rather a large number of pages left in it which is fodder to my mind. My mind seems to find the challenge strangely exciting.

Maybe if I keep writing I will fall into some unconscious coma and will start channeling some deeply profound and ground breaking...... and there, I lost my train of thought. Oh the irony. Guess the ego really isn't allowed to be part of that process. To even think it caused the words to stop flowing.

Irony - I love writing and quite frankly, wish I was doing more of it, just not necessarily out of a desperation to sleep. Meditation is good for sleep - not so, when you are thinking so hard about how to meditate in order to induce a sleep state.

It was at this point that I stopped writing due to thinking too much.......

Shared with a large dose of humour and a wry smile...

Love, as always

Nikola xx

Rape - Is your anger mis-placed?!

When I write a blog, I have always trusted that my intent behind it comes from a place of love and of sharing. None more so that than this blog as it will be quite raw, perhaps even provocative for some and I sense that others may feel that I have shared too much. Please see beyond your initial reaction and ask yourself why my sharing this may have made you feel uncomfortable, awkward or vulnerable. 

You see, I don't write from a place of having all the answers. I don't live my life from a place of having the answers. I live my life more and more from a place of experiencing, learning and sharing. To my mind to offer wise counsel you have to come from a place of openness and vulnerability. A simple sharing of your own truth in the moment.

'From pain, hurt and sadness comes the opportunity  to fly on the wings of love, peace and joy'

I'm not sure how much I have spoken previously about how I believe that painful experiences where we have been hurt in some way shape or form, are held in the body on a cellular level.  I guess what I am expressing is that when we experience some kind of trauma, the emotions relating to that experience are held in the body until we release them. And release them we must if we are to be healthy of mind, body and soul. I sense that there may be an appropriate timing for this to occur, especially where deep trauma is concerned. I also believe that there needs to be an awareness that we are holding those negative emotions in our body, in the first place. 

In the last few days I have had cause to release some deeply held trauma in my body. The reason for needing to do so was an overwhelming sense that if I didn't, I would not... my life could not move forwards. 

Let me start at the beginning of how this trauma came to be in my body.  I allude to this story in my recently released book but it feels appropriate to be slightly more candid and more truthful with myself about the situation.

At the age of 19, I was raped whilst holidaying in Corfu. It was not brutal or scarring on a physical level and sadly something that I am all too aware, far too many girls experience. What I chose to do in the moments after the incident have led to where I found myself yesterday. I chose to internalise the experience and blame myself for the whole episode. Seventeen years on I finally gave myself permission to be angry at someone else rather than myself. 

Internalising and blaming myself resulted in me holding on to the emotional trauma of the experience. That has resulted in my being unable to emotionally connect in a sexual way with any man since. I have loved and I have met some amazing and loving men but I have never been able to sustain those relationships because I couldn't love myself on a sexually intimate level. Something that I believe more and more to be intrinsic to a balanced, loving, open, vulnerable and passionate relationship. It is also important for me to say that this is true for me and may not be someone else's truth.

I had to all intents and purposes shut that part of myself down to a deep and destructive level. Sex became an act based in the head. Sex became too easy to do because I didn't respect my body. And yet, all I have ever craved is the intimacy and heart-centred sex that allows your body to feel everything on every level. Getting out of my head and into my heart was not an option as far as this intimate act was concerned. My body would not allow me to be intimate because I did not love my body. When I talk about loving my body, I refer to the ability to be totally vulnerable with another person. The greatest gift that we can give to another person....

I have recently met someone with whom I connect on a very deep, emotional and soulful level. Quite simply, I love him on every level. And yet, I found myself in what I can only describe as a frightening place. You would suspect, I suspected that when you are that connected to someone and feel their love and trust them implicitly that the physical side of the relationship will come easily and effortlessly. I could not have been more wrong. 

I felt threatened. I felt scared and my whole body reacted. I did not want to have sex. I could not make love to this amazing, beautiful soul. I literally shut down on every possible level. I saw the face of the man who raped me and I felt every emotion that I felt at the time. I was literally shaking. My heart was hard and my hands were cold. I was still holding onto the experience of rape at a very deep and real level.

I had choice in that moment. 

I could walk away from this man and feel safe again, so to speak, or I could do what my body has needed me to do for seventeen years. To let go of the incessant pain I was causing myself by blaming myself and use my anger in a far more healing way. Because this beautiful man understood, we were able to perform the act, in order for me to move beyond it. This was absolutely necessary for me. To not revert to my safe haven of never letting myself go or to be truly intimate with someone. For the first time I was able to direct my anger towards the one person who deserved it. The man who raped me. 

You see, I finally made sense of the fact that there are simply no circumstances where rape at any level is okay or acceptable. It is not. 

The most important thing is that I made a choice to love. Fundamentally I chose to love myself and my body again. And in doing so, opened myself up fully in the most vulnerable way any person can giving myself the chance to love on every level. To love mentally, emotionally, spiritually and most importantly in this case, sexually.

The reason I am sharing this is that when healing happens for one person in this way, it means that healing can happen for others who have had similar experiences. If you are reading this and it is resonating on some level then you are opening yourself up to the possibility of being healed too. A shift in one person's consciousness can shift the collective conscious if people are aware and take their own action and choices. Therefore, I am sharing this story, gifting you the chance to truly love yourself; and an other. 

Anger is a destructive emotion if mis-placed and turned inwards. Anger in this instance is incredibly cathartic and healing..... 
Be aware of where your anger resides and whom the anger is directed towards. Is it serving you or destroying you? Externalise that which is internal and deep healing can take place. 

Trust what you need to do in your own life and find someone whom you trust and love unconditionally to help you heal. I am not sure that healing of this nature can be done alone. 

Be gentle and be kind to yourself. 

Shared as always with love....

Trust and let go.......

Nikola xxx

The Real Deal.....

This blog post has a slightly different flavour to it as I wanted to share the 'gift' of someone else with you.
One of the things I love doing is connecting and supporting people. 
There is great reward for me in singing the 'praises' of others so to speak and in raising awareness of individuals who have moved me, made a difference in my life, or who I simply feel you need to know. 
I have the very great fortune to class this man as a very close friend and I feel inordinately privileged to be on the receiving end of his friendship and love. 

Why am I telling you about him now....?! In part, because his diary for the year is about to become immersed in travel to far and distant lands offering his guidance and healing to those in Europe, America, Japan and the Southern Hemisphere... so I want to give you the chance of catching him before he departs our shores. 

Moreover, I sense that this time for many is feeling quite confusing and overwhelming. It may simply be because it is the start of a New Year and you are wanting to make changes but not clear on how you wish that to manifest in your life. I am aware of many who are suffering physically and are struggling with their bodies not being as healthy as they would like. It could simply be that this post makes you a little curious.....

Henry Cumming is one of the most authentic and grounded people I know.... his Scottish Heritage gives him a candid, no nonsense approach to the work he does and yet, you only feel warmth and love in his presence. Most importantly for me is that he absolutely loves the work that he does and I believe that it is because of his passion for guiding and healing others that his 'gift' is so extraordinary.

I have experienced Henry's 'gift' for healing firsthand and hence my desire to write this post.

Henry is a medium and has worked with numerous spiritual churches so if your interest lies in that domain then please get in touch with me.
He is also working with a number of cancer patients. Some of the results staggering.
Henry works with broken bones, deep emotional trauma.... if you would like something fixed or your body cleared then please get in touch.

If you would like a reading to gain clarity around some deep and troublesome issues then please get in touch.

This man is the 'real deal' and more importantly... a very lovely and humble human being to go with it.

If I have intrigued you or this resonates with you then you know what to do....

Thank you all....
As always, here to serve

Sent with love and blessings..... 

Nikola xxx