I have said it before but there is something that I love about running in the rain.. it lights me up from the inside, and it happens almost instantaneously, the moment the first rain drop is felt and the first time my foot strikes the ground...
It causes me to smile, a truly genuine smile from the inside out.
Have you ever noticed that when you smile like this your whole body smiles and when it smiles it relaxes and you feel that moment of contentment...
The run and the idea of contentment came out of a dialogue with a very lovely man first thing this morning... is contentment something we strive towards as an end goal or something that needs to be noticed and honoured when it happens... for it can be fleeting when life is feeling a little tricky and it seems to me that we need to be quick to catch those moments and to honour them...
How do we recognise those moments when they arrive?!
Running for me is a form of meditation and I felt it very strongly this morning. I can sit and ask my mind to work with me and largely I 'fail' at this type of meditation... this morning something quite profound happened.
Whilst musing over my conversation of earlier and feeling the rain on my skin and being aware of my feet on the ground... and letting my thoughts roam freely... but being ever so aware of them and myself.... I reached a point about 30minutes into the run where it felt as though I was transported somewhere else... the atmosphere and energy changed. Everything felt peaceful, the colours of the landscape became more vibrant, and I was deeply aware of myself in time and space... and I realised that I had literally been, 'running to stand still'. Whilst I was literally still in motion, I found a stillness and it was beautiful. and profound.
And in that moment - I felt complete and utter contentment...
I hadn't necessarily been looking for it this morning and yet it found me when I followed my instincts to go for a run...
Instinctual contentment.... this feels more nourishing and nurturing than striving for it or looking for it......
Where might contentment find you if you allow it to come.....?!
With love and blessings
Nikola xx
Friday, 25 April 2014
Thursday, 13 February 2014
Is your body a machine....?!
Love...
So, here we are on the eve of Valentine's Day and I want to talk about Love...
Actually, I did not set out to talk about love at all..... when knowing that I wanted to share this blog post with you I had not contemplated the date until I started typing and then I realised just how timely and opportune the date was and that Love, once again, was where we would end up coming back to.
We always do. In everything. Love is there whether we see it or feel it or recognise it. It is there waiting patiently for us to allow it to show up in its fullness, even when we go out of our way to ignore it or abuse it.
Seems I've been doing a lot of ignoring and abusing over a long period of time in relation to myself. More specifically with this blog post in relation to my body. It would,however, be more apt to begin this post by calling it a machine.
If I were to ask you about the following picture.... does the body in question look healthy, as though fed in a healthy manner, probably undergoes exercise or some kind of sport?!
Chances are the body above is "healthy" on many levels and that it is kept in shape is not in question. It certainly has no disease that I am aware of in the sense of illness and yet in another sense it is deeply ill at-ease.
I have for many, many weeks now... if not months (don't let it be years), been feeling lethargic, lacking in energy and vitality, not been sleeping properly. Sure fire signs that my body is trying to tell me something.
And in my case, I took it as a sign that I was feeling sensitive to the planetary shifts and solar flares and mercury being in retrograde (well, the body is a machine, no?!!!). And so I have carried on regardless, not ceasing in my daily and weekly routine.
Weekly routine...
What does an average weekly routine look like to me?!
At least 5 trips to the gym incorporating cardiovascular and resistance training and latterly 2-3 hot yoga sessions too.
I eat healthily 85 - 90% of the time incorporating lots of fruit and vegetables and juicing and smoothies when I take the time and I allow myself to eat chocolate and drink wine (this for me personally, is a healthy sign, for now).
I don't burn the candle at both ends and have lots of time to myself for quiet space and reflection and "me" time....
So, what might you ask is wrong with the above picture.... both photographically and in my routine.
Machine or Body...
Last week I had the inordinate pleasure to spend some time with Dr Nerina Ramlakhan who asked me quite specifically about my diet and exercise and one deep and painful truth became abundantly clear. As the tears began to flow (not an unusual occurrence, if you are a regular reader of my blog and something I do deem mostly very healthy) I realised just how long I had been treating my body as a machine and not as the most exquisite and extraordinary vehicle that it is. A self-healing and thereby self-loving vehicle that I have been showing very little love towards.
Let me take you back to my weekly "regime" and add a little flavour to the description I gave you...
During my 5 gym visits a week - I will go regardless of whether I have a headache, whether I have had only 3 hours sleep, whether I have eaten or not and whether I actually feel like it or not. I will do 1.5 hours cardio even if after 30 minutes my heart is pounding and every inch of my body is screaming at me to stop. I will continue in a spin class even though I can feel physically sick at times... I will continue to do squats even though the room starts spinning and I go hot and cold....
So, to add good measure.... my 2-3 hot yoga sessions a week are done in 40 degree heat where I sweat out (toxins - yes) but also all the good stuff too.... minerals and vitamins that my body is desperately trying to hang on to because it is already depleted not to mention severely dehydrated.
So, I ask you again - how healthy is the body in that picture?!
Eating healthily - now this one was a humdinger of a realisation. I have always been aware of how I always seem to finish my meals before anyone else. I even make a point in restaurants of slowing down so that I am not embarrassingly the first one to finish, again.
And of course, the speed we eat has a real impact on our metabolism and how efficient our digestive system is. However, this was not the crux of the issue. The real sting here was that I'm a functional eater. I eat to function. Like putting coins into the electricity metre.
Don't get me wrong, I love food and at times I relish the tastes but by and large I eat to function. I eat to function that takes me to the gym. I eat healthily but it is functional. Ouch!!
And what of the quiet space and reflective time that I have created so beautifully around me... well, let's face it Facebook has a lot to answer for!!! (By the way, if you are reading this through my Facebook Page - I'm rather glad you happened to stop by).
I have an array of candles, and incense. More buddha's than a temple. A glorious and precious piece of rose quartz, fluffy cushions, white sage, Angel cards.... you get the picture. How often do you think I light the candles or notice the buddha's or pick up the quartz or draw myself an Angel card or sit on my fluffy cushions and indulge myself in quality " me" time?! Yep, you guessed it.
So, what do I do lovingly to this "machine" that carries me around 24/7. Well, very infrequently I take myself off for a massage. You know one of those massages that has you screaming out swear words you didn't even know you knew whilst they walk up and down your spine and haul you off the bed cracking every part of your spine in unison to your cries. I exaggerate (only slightly) but I am sure you are starting to see the picture.
This extraordinary body suit deserves "real" love....
That evening, after seeing Nerina, I lit all my candles and placed pink rose petals on my bed... the impact it had on me did not go unnoticed.
Today, I went for a massage and felt the prick of tears as I specifically asked Cara to give me a loving and relaxing massage... the first gift to myself of many from now on.
This blog has felt a little self indulgent and yet I know that I am not the only one who does not take time to nurture and nourish and love consciously. It is the conscious part that is so very vital. I can have a healthy looking body but on the inside it's screaming at me to slow down before it burns out.... incredibly it has kept going this long but the signs are there. It is time to wake up and consciously love my body and acknowledge all that it does for me. And it does so much more for me than even I am aware. It is time to listen intently to what my body needs for if I truly listen to my body then it serves every other part of me.... my soul, my intuition, my emotions, my mind, my creativity, my wisdom and so the list goes on.
What is your body so desperately trying to tell you?!
Conscious Loving...
So, whether you recognise the patterns above or have patterns of your own that tell a similar story of not truly loving your body then take some time this Valentine's to consciously nurture, nourish and love it.... for we only have one and it deserves to be treated with the utmost respect.
Happy Valentine's Day and deep love and respect to each and every one of your body's.
Love always,
Nikola x
So, here we are on the eve of Valentine's Day and I want to talk about Love...
Actually, I did not set out to talk about love at all..... when knowing that I wanted to share this blog post with you I had not contemplated the date until I started typing and then I realised just how timely and opportune the date was and that Love, once again, was where we would end up coming back to.
We always do. In everything. Love is there whether we see it or feel it or recognise it. It is there waiting patiently for us to allow it to show up in its fullness, even when we go out of our way to ignore it or abuse it.
Seems I've been doing a lot of ignoring and abusing over a long period of time in relation to myself. More specifically with this blog post in relation to my body. It would,however, be more apt to begin this post by calling it a machine.
If I were to ask you about the following picture.... does the body in question look healthy, as though fed in a healthy manner, probably undergoes exercise or some kind of sport?!
Chances are the body above is "healthy" on many levels and that it is kept in shape is not in question. It certainly has no disease that I am aware of in the sense of illness and yet in another sense it is deeply ill at-ease.
I have for many, many weeks now... if not months (don't let it be years), been feeling lethargic, lacking in energy and vitality, not been sleeping properly. Sure fire signs that my body is trying to tell me something.
And in my case, I took it as a sign that I was feeling sensitive to the planetary shifts and solar flares and mercury being in retrograde (well, the body is a machine, no?!!!). And so I have carried on regardless, not ceasing in my daily and weekly routine.
Weekly routine...
What does an average weekly routine look like to me?!
At least 5 trips to the gym incorporating cardiovascular and resistance training and latterly 2-3 hot yoga sessions too.
I eat healthily 85 - 90% of the time incorporating lots of fruit and vegetables and juicing and smoothies when I take the time and I allow myself to eat chocolate and drink wine (this for me personally, is a healthy sign, for now).
I don't burn the candle at both ends and have lots of time to myself for quiet space and reflection and "me" time....
So, what might you ask is wrong with the above picture.... both photographically and in my routine.
Machine or Body...
Last week I had the inordinate pleasure to spend some time with Dr Nerina Ramlakhan who asked me quite specifically about my diet and exercise and one deep and painful truth became abundantly clear. As the tears began to flow (not an unusual occurrence, if you are a regular reader of my blog and something I do deem mostly very healthy) I realised just how long I had been treating my body as a machine and not as the most exquisite and extraordinary vehicle that it is. A self-healing and thereby self-loving vehicle that I have been showing very little love towards.
Let me take you back to my weekly "regime" and add a little flavour to the description I gave you...
During my 5 gym visits a week - I will go regardless of whether I have a headache, whether I have had only 3 hours sleep, whether I have eaten or not and whether I actually feel like it or not. I will do 1.5 hours cardio even if after 30 minutes my heart is pounding and every inch of my body is screaming at me to stop. I will continue in a spin class even though I can feel physically sick at times... I will continue to do squats even though the room starts spinning and I go hot and cold....
So, to add good measure.... my 2-3 hot yoga sessions a week are done in 40 degree heat where I sweat out (toxins - yes) but also all the good stuff too.... minerals and vitamins that my body is desperately trying to hang on to because it is already depleted not to mention severely dehydrated.
So, I ask you again - how healthy is the body in that picture?!
Eating healthily - now this one was a humdinger of a realisation. I have always been aware of how I always seem to finish my meals before anyone else. I even make a point in restaurants of slowing down so that I am not embarrassingly the first one to finish, again.
And of course, the speed we eat has a real impact on our metabolism and how efficient our digestive system is. However, this was not the crux of the issue. The real sting here was that I'm a functional eater. I eat to function. Like putting coins into the electricity metre.
Don't get me wrong, I love food and at times I relish the tastes but by and large I eat to function. I eat to function that takes me to the gym. I eat healthily but it is functional. Ouch!!
And what of the quiet space and reflective time that I have created so beautifully around me... well, let's face it Facebook has a lot to answer for!!! (By the way, if you are reading this through my Facebook Page - I'm rather glad you happened to stop by).
I have an array of candles, and incense. More buddha's than a temple. A glorious and precious piece of rose quartz, fluffy cushions, white sage, Angel cards.... you get the picture. How often do you think I light the candles or notice the buddha's or pick up the quartz or draw myself an Angel card or sit on my fluffy cushions and indulge myself in quality " me" time?! Yep, you guessed it.
So, what do I do lovingly to this "machine" that carries me around 24/7. Well, very infrequently I take myself off for a massage. You know one of those massages that has you screaming out swear words you didn't even know you knew whilst they walk up and down your spine and haul you off the bed cracking every part of your spine in unison to your cries. I exaggerate (only slightly) but I am sure you are starting to see the picture.
This extraordinary body suit deserves "real" love....
That evening, after seeing Nerina, I lit all my candles and placed pink rose petals on my bed... the impact it had on me did not go unnoticed.
Today, I went for a massage and felt the prick of tears as I specifically asked Cara to give me a loving and relaxing massage... the first gift to myself of many from now on.
This blog has felt a little self indulgent and yet I know that I am not the only one who does not take time to nurture and nourish and love consciously. It is the conscious part that is so very vital. I can have a healthy looking body but on the inside it's screaming at me to slow down before it burns out.... incredibly it has kept going this long but the signs are there. It is time to wake up and consciously love my body and acknowledge all that it does for me. And it does so much more for me than even I am aware. It is time to listen intently to what my body needs for if I truly listen to my body then it serves every other part of me.... my soul, my intuition, my emotions, my mind, my creativity, my wisdom and so the list goes on.
What is your body so desperately trying to tell you?!
Conscious Loving...
So, whether you recognise the patterns above or have patterns of your own that tell a similar story of not truly loving your body then take some time this Valentine's to consciously nurture, nourish and love it.... for we only have one and it deserves to be treated with the utmost respect.
Happy Valentine's Day and deep love and respect to each and every one of your body's.
Love always,
Nikola x
Friday, 6 December 2013
No one can do your life as beautifully as you... no one....
I was sent these words this morning by a very dear friend
and someone whom holds a very special place in my heart.....
.....
words that went deep.... that stirred profound emotions...
"I can feel the life force in you and your courageously containing and breathing
it - it is strong and beautiful...""I can feel the life force in you and your courageously containing and breathing
They underpin that which my life is resting upon at the moment. The very foundations that shake but steadfastly refuse to be destroyed.
I have conjured up many roles and images for myself
over the years and yet here I find myself without having fully embraced a
single one of them – at least not for any length of time. And so I breathe, I
engage, I feel deep unrest and unease amidst flurries of the most extraordinary
excitement, suspense and absolute awe at that which tantalizingly dares to
manifest. This has been my reality for a little while now… a tense, turbulent
reality scattered with the most precious and deeply moving peace and serenity.
To have created the freedom to be anyone, go anywhere, do anything, is so
extraordinary in its pressures and gifts.
What
if there is something to be said for divine timing?!
What
if there is something to be said for creating every moment at free will?!
What
if life is a beautiful and profound combination of both…..
My life, at
this present moment certainly seems to fall into both those categories.
No one
person gives me a harder time than I give myself over where I have got to in
life or not got to – according to where I thought I would be – and no one
person has the right to judge, just as I have no right to judge anyone else,
not even my closest friends, family members and colleagues.
So, why did
the above message and sentiment affect me so greatly today….
"I can feel the life force in you
and your courageously containing and breathing it - it is strong and
beautiful..."
Despite my
life not outwardly looking the way I thought it might…. inwardly I am richer
than I could ever dare to dream to be and I know that there is so much more to
come in both regards. And yes, part of it is creating it every step of the way
and part of it is breathing into and trusting the divine timing of my life.
And it seems
to me as I ponder the “now” that the flow of life is different for each and
every one of us. Each of our journey’s is unique… the timing, learning’s and
lessons distinctive and so very special for each one of us. I have tried to
force the pace of my life on more than one occasion and more than once have
felt the frustration of things not happening as quickly as I would like. And so
I have learnt deeply the value of patience and being “present”.
The outer
stage that many in the personal development world would have me believe is
waiting for me to take action and step up to has actually become the inner
stage of holding my strength and integrity, truth and valour.
So, if it is
perceived by you or someone else that you are not taking as much action as you
could or that your life does not look quite the way you might have imagined…..
if you are reading this, then I would hazard a guess that the life force in you
is immeasurably strong too. Hold true to the courage of your convictions and stay
with your breath for you are also so very strong and beautiful in your
authenticity.
My
instincts, my gut, my cells repeatedly tell me that I am exactly where I need
to be…. the strength that it takes to keep believing that defies even my own
logic. To hold the well of love and compassion that I have and desire to share
is no easy feat…. trust me. As the tears well up, I am fit to bursting with how
much I have to give and to share… my time will come. I believe that with every
ounce of my being and I know, I know with absolute certainty that so will
yours.
Feel your
own life force within you and honor the sanctity of your own instincts and
truth…. for no one else can do your life as beautifully as you….. NO ONE.
Your life…
your pace…
Love and
blessings, always
Nikola
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
I can be creative, a goddess and monogamous!!! Who knew?!
I've been reading with interest for the past few weeks the rising number of blogs and talks and messages and posts relating to polyamory. I always aim to read with interest and without judgement any topic that seems to be hitting the "spiritual" headlines. (I don't read any other headlines). On this eternal quest for furthering my intuitive wisdom and knowledge... leave no stone unturned.
However, no matter how much I read and absorb and question and wonder.... I am simply not drawn to it. Sharing multiple partners in an open and loving and deeply connecting way just doesn't ring my bells. And, as I say, in making no judgements, I pay no mind to people that do feel drawn to express themselves and to explore themselves in this way.
There is a piece of this that I do struggle with though and it is this.
I recently engaged in a conversation with a beautiful, enigmatic and deeply intuitive woman who was questioning her spirituality and so-called enlightened state of mind and heart because her husband desired to go off and explore with other women in a polyamorous way.
What roused my curiosity and frustration was that she was questioning her place as an "enlightened goddess" because she did not wish him or desire him to share himself with other women in any way. Least of all in the name of enlightened spirituality.
(For the record, we are all enlightened - every single one of us, right here, right now.)
Her question to me was how can I find a way of accepting that this is okay?! As though it would deepen her spiritual quest and make her a more rounded and whole being. My simple answer.... if it is not okay with you, then it is simply not okay and that is your truth. Your unique, simple truth.
By all means, broaden your mind and your horizons and question yourself and test your boundaries and comfort zones but do not do it at the cost of your divine intuition and values. Every single one of us has different values that underpin who and what we are and how we go about navigating life. I would suggest to anyone that they approach with caution something that does not feel natural and actually raises your hackles just a little. The body has a beautiful way of showing us the warning signs if we pay attention.
I also had a conversation recently with a very lovely friend of mine who does engage in tantra and the polyamory scene and I found myself wondering, for a short time, if this was the only way that I was going to release my real creativity and unlock all of my juicy feminine essence by becoming a free spirit and to engage with myself outside of monogamy.
What is really interesting is that this dialogue with myself did not last for long. There are more ways than one to release old patterns and to evoke your creativity and feminine essence. Writing, dance, poetry, singing, movement, toning, meditation to name but a few.
What was more interesting is that when I went deeper to engage with the idea... I found myself experiencing in my cells and remembering a time in days gone by (aka past lives / parallel paradigms) where I did engage in polyamory and also in ritualistic sexual acts. Remembering these experiences in some way affirmed to me that this is not my path in this lifetime.
And so a word to the curious..... engage in a full and deep dialogue with yourself before engaging in something that could be detrimental to your soul.... and do not believe for one minute that something you either engage in or not, makes you either more or less spiritual. More or less a God or Goddess. You are already enlightened, you just have to remember.
The only thing that matters is what is real and true for you.
I was simply drawn to write this blog to redress the balance in favour of monogamy!!!!
Love and blessings, always
Nikola xxx
However, no matter how much I read and absorb and question and wonder.... I am simply not drawn to it. Sharing multiple partners in an open and loving and deeply connecting way just doesn't ring my bells. And, as I say, in making no judgements, I pay no mind to people that do feel drawn to express themselves and to explore themselves in this way.
There is a piece of this that I do struggle with though and it is this.
I recently engaged in a conversation with a beautiful, enigmatic and deeply intuitive woman who was questioning her spirituality and so-called enlightened state of mind and heart because her husband desired to go off and explore with other women in a polyamorous way.
What roused my curiosity and frustration was that she was questioning her place as an "enlightened goddess" because she did not wish him or desire him to share himself with other women in any way. Least of all in the name of enlightened spirituality.
(For the record, we are all enlightened - every single one of us, right here, right now.)
Her question to me was how can I find a way of accepting that this is okay?! As though it would deepen her spiritual quest and make her a more rounded and whole being. My simple answer.... if it is not okay with you, then it is simply not okay and that is your truth. Your unique, simple truth.
By all means, broaden your mind and your horizons and question yourself and test your boundaries and comfort zones but do not do it at the cost of your divine intuition and values. Every single one of us has different values that underpin who and what we are and how we go about navigating life. I would suggest to anyone that they approach with caution something that does not feel natural and actually raises your hackles just a little. The body has a beautiful way of showing us the warning signs if we pay attention.
I also had a conversation recently with a very lovely friend of mine who does engage in tantra and the polyamory scene and I found myself wondering, for a short time, if this was the only way that I was going to release my real creativity and unlock all of my juicy feminine essence by becoming a free spirit and to engage with myself outside of monogamy.
What is really interesting is that this dialogue with myself did not last for long. There are more ways than one to release old patterns and to evoke your creativity and feminine essence. Writing, dance, poetry, singing, movement, toning, meditation to name but a few.
What was more interesting is that when I went deeper to engage with the idea... I found myself experiencing in my cells and remembering a time in days gone by (aka past lives / parallel paradigms) where I did engage in polyamory and also in ritualistic sexual acts. Remembering these experiences in some way affirmed to me that this is not my path in this lifetime.
And so a word to the curious..... engage in a full and deep dialogue with yourself before engaging in something that could be detrimental to your soul.... and do not believe for one minute that something you either engage in or not, makes you either more or less spiritual. More or less a God or Goddess. You are already enlightened, you just have to remember.
The only thing that matters is what is real and true for you.
I was simply drawn to write this blog to redress the balance in favour of monogamy!!!!
Love and blessings, always
Nikola xxx
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Thank you to the Guy, at 15 years of age, who told me I was boring...
You see if that guy, on the train, hadn't told me I was boring at age 15... I would not have held that belief for so long and if I had not held that belief for so long, I would not have had to dig really deep for the truth. And the truth of the matter is that I'm actually a deeply interesting person, multi-faceted with a lust for learning and understanding.
Thank you to the girl in the playground at the age of 9 who came up to me whilst I was sitting quietly on my own, pulled my eyelids down and told me I was anaemic and that's why I had no friends. In digging deep I understand the power of words and how they can heal and how they can harm and so I choose to think about my words and their impact. I don't always succeed but the intent is there.
Thank you to the friend who told me that they were disappointed in me. For in the rejection of those words and in feeling that I had somehow failed as a person and as a friend, I had to dig really deep to find self acceptance and to honour my own path and choices not those belonging to someone else.
Thank you to my Dad for not being able to say out loud that "he loves me" for in never hearing it I had to dig really deep to know that the most profound love comes from an inner knowing and an inner understanding that we are already love - we just have to remember. And in digging really deep I discovered that I did not need to hear the words, I already knew.
Thank you to the man who raped me at 19 for if he hadn't I would not have spent years disowning and disrespecting my body. I have had to dig really deep for this one. If I had not spent years disowning and disrespecting my body, I would not now be on a path of total and absolute alignment with my higher self. Total and absolute alignment with the sacredness of my body. And the total and absolute truth of the beauty and wonder that can be shared between a man and a woman. I am truly, truly grateful.
As I write all of the above, there are tears.... tears of gratitude for the pain and the suffering for each uncomfortable moment has brought me to where I am now.
There is much on the internet and Facebook around Love and Gratitude at the moment... it seems we are being asked to be more aware and we are collectively understanding the importance of stepping into these two states. However, I urge you not to simply find solace in the words of others, in beautiful quotes or in beautiful pictures but to dig deep and find the places, the dark uncomfortable places in your life and find true gratitude for them. See how every moment that has brought you to your knees has caused you to dig deep and come through stronger, lighter, more loving, more giving... whatever the truth may be for you. And it is your truth. No-one else's.
When you can be truly grateful for every moment that has caused you pain or heartache then life takes on a different hue... you realise that you designed it all perfectly to become the best and truest version of yourself.
It may be that you are right in the middle of something that is testing your resolve (I know I am)... dig a little deeper... find the perfection.... dig a little deeper.... find the inner knowing.... and be deeply, deeply grateful.
In gratitude and in love, always
Nikola xx
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
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