Lessons in Love....

"Whenever life does not give you what you think you want, know that there is something brighter, lighter and more meaningful waiting just around the corner if you simply allow the space to believe."

This is an interesting blog for me to write as I am right in the middle of a lesson at the moment. And whilst I have no desire to be back at school, I'm kinda wishing that I was learning about the last 1,000 years of the monarchy. Lessons in love can be the hardest to fathom.

As a child growing up I had incredible love and support from my parents and still do. However, as a little girl the love I craved most of all was that of my Dad. I loved him unconditionally. He was my rock, my strength. Through no fault of his own, however, he has never been able to show love. Being in the Police Force, he learned from a very early age to hide his emotions and not allow himself to show vulnerability. He is also quite a quiet man so being open and translucent with his emotions does not come easily. I found this incredibly hard to understand as a child and constantly sought his attention and love. It was only around six months ago (now in my thirties) that I recall hearing my Dad tell me he loved me for the very first time..... Years and years of brick walls around my heart came crashing down with the sound of those three words. I realised that I had never allowed another man to love me or to love another man unconditionally throughout my life....

I met someone recently who challenged me not to rebuild the wall brick by brick but to remain open and vulnerable and to give unconditionally and so I set the intent to do just that. I have been amazed at the levels of love that I have felt. It has given me patience, compassion, understanding. Above all, I have started to truly to understand how it feels to love myself. For without loving myself, I could not feel those things in their true sense.

However, as with the quote above, the fairytale has not ended the way that I may have wished it too.... the challenge is to remain in a state of love and to continue to value my own worth. As a child giving unconditional love, it felt as though that love was rejected and that at times I was abandoned even though I perceived myself to be giving everything. This was not necessarily the reality of the situation but it is how it felt to me as a little girl. The situation recently has the potential (as with all life's lessons - they come along for a reason) to render me to feel abandoned again. 

I have a choice.... to start putting the bricks back into place and create my refuge again or I can remain open, loving, vulnerable and trust. 

The Universe has a way of bringing the lessons to us that we most need to learn in order to grow as a human being... my refuge may have felt safe all these years. But that is an illusion. Not loving and not allowing love in return does not shield you from hurt or pain. In fact, it has the opposite effect and creates more pain and more hurt. I fundamentally believe that as a race we desire to love, give love and receive love above all other emotions. Not just for ourselves and for each other but for our planet. 

The Universe has gifted me the opportunity to be open, compassionate and loving in a way that I have never done before and for that I am extremely grateful. To truly feel what it means to love.... unconditionally. 

Don't misunderstand me, the situation has caused feelings of anger, hurt and confusion but these are all emotions that help me to see just what possibilities lie ahead if I simply choose to love and to be grateful. 

Therefore, I would ask you to do two things....

Take the opportunity to tell someone you love them.

When the Universe brings you a lesson, trust that it is for your own good and remain first and foremost in a state of love for yourself and watch as the challenges melt away.

With lessons and love in mind,

With love always,

Nikola x

React or laugh..... your choice.

Compelled to write a blog but what to write about....

This evening, it's all about those split second choices we make; actually to be more precise, it's about those split second reactions we make (generally towards something that we don't like) and then regret our reaction a split second later....

I am multi-talented at this particular discipline, which is not something to be proud of. Although I say this lightheartedly as like everything, noticing it is a step towards redemption.

In truth, I am writing this blog to afford myself the time not to react to something. My whole body is itching to do what I've always done. It will not afford me the outcome I desire so why react?! Because for one tiny millisecond it feels good. It feels like I am in control, which quite frankly, is clearly the one thing that I am not, if I am reacting rather than choosing to find a state of nirvana. Freedom from the reaction.

Let's break this down...

If someone or something is making you want to react in the way you always have but you know that it does not serve you - STOP! We have the freedom of that choice. I'm not saying it's always easy, especially when emotions of frustration or confusion or anger are stirred. These are always the type of emotions that we react to without thinking, without feeling what is really going on. 

For fear of repeating myself... noone else can make you feel anything without your permission. If you simply REACT, then the only person you are affecting is you. The outcome may not be obvious in that very moment, but that one reaction, cause and effect if you will, may cause a series of further reactions, so out of your control that you the lose the one thing you were hoping to happen in the first place.

This is as true of eating that chocolate bar that you are now going to feel guilty about for the next 24 hours until you can sweat it out at the gym.... (by the way, this is not my problem - at least not this evening, anyway). So, you've eaten the chocolate bar. Reacting by looking in the mirror to see exactly where it has settled is not going to change the fact that you've just eaten the chocolate bar. Choose either not to eat it or choose to eat it and enjoy it. DO NOT REACT.

The above example may have felt as though I was endevouring to be witty, whilst my tone intentionally was light, I know that this is a serious topic and issue for many people.

What about certain situations that we find ourselves in time and time again and find ourselves reacting in the same way time and time again?! Go figure, we get the same outcome time and time again. This is because we have simply allowed ourselves to react and our emotions spiral until we ultimately feel low, defeated or deflated. The majority of us will have situations like this. Think about a situation where you know full well that you simply react. Visualise it. What could you do differently in that very moment when you know you are going to start the chain reaction all over again. STOP. Make a choice. If necessary laugh at yourself. Laughter and smiling is a great leveller. It automatically affects the pattern of our breathing and releases tension in the body. 

What if its a certain someone that you are reacting to?! It could be that it is always the same person, or it may be that it's something you react to, no matter the person, because it pushes your buttons, challenges your values and beliefs. The process is the same. STOP. Notice yourself and the patterns of how you react. They will be similar because its learnt behaviour. As you go to do those things, ask yourself, why?! Who is it going to serve if you carry on? Are you going to get the desired outcome? Is it going to make you feel better (after the initial euphoric millisecond)? My suspicion is that no, it is not going to make you feel any better.

Think of it this way... when we would like something to happen, or we would like someone to say something or we desire something to be a certain way and we react rather than make a heartfelt choice.... we are in opposition to the very force that we desire. 

I must emphasise that obviously not all reactions are negative... there are a multitude of positive reactions... I am simply referring to those reactions that we KNOW do not serve us. And we know this because they don't make us smile or laugh.....

The antidote to not smiling or laughing is to do just that.... laugh or smile in the throes of your reactions and see what changes.....

With love and laughter for those split second choices....

Nikola x

Be Your Own Valentine.....

"Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren't even there before." 

~Mignon McLaughlin~ 

As Valentine's Day approaches, I find myself wondering whether I wished that I were in a relationship, not because I fear Valentine's Day approaching and not having someone to share it with.... simply that since the shops are awash with cards and chocolates and flowers and gifts, it simply gives rise to thoughts of your own relationship status. In a similar way that an approaching New Year can cause people to readdress what is going on in their lives and can motivate people to make changes, Valentine's has a way of getting us to look at love and relationships. 

The truth of the matter is that I simply choose not to be in a relationship at the moment.... at least, not with someone else. You see, right now it is more important for me to nurture the relationship I have with myself. The greater the love and compassion that I can feel for myself, the more likely I am to attract the right person into my life when the time is right. In my last blog, I used the adage, "what you resist, persists" so I am also careful not to simply resist being in a relationship because somehow it feels easier to be on my own. I have always been quite independent and appear quite strong as an individual. Therefore, it is very easy for me to resort back to this stereotype and not allow anyone else in to my world.... 

I was reminded recently that sometimes it is through being in relationships that we learn our greatest lessons, we learn how to open our hearts more, how to communicate to a greater degree and appreciate the intricacies of sharing your life with someone else. It is okay to be vulnerable and put ourselves into a place of potentially being hurt. Nothing is worth doing unless it has the potential to make you feel....

It is a dance. We can choose never to step onto the floor, choose to learn the steps and practice the dance, or throw ourselves into the dance with gay abandon.

Where are you right now with the dance of love?! Notice where you are and spend some time thinking about why you are where you are... are you happy, content, joyful or do you feel sad, resentful, unhappy or frustrated. 

If you are single and feeling lonely and desperately wishing you were with someone. Take time this February to nurture and love you. Whilst we all love the feeling of being in a relationship, this is your time to be happy, joyful and content without feeling the need to be attached to someone else. Forgive the cliche, but when you love you, love finds you....

If you are alone and happy check in that you are simply not allowing someone else in for fear of getting hurt. I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be with someone, it is more than possible for people to be content and joyful alone. However, I am challenging you to ask yourself the question. Are you truly happy alone?! If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, then maybe you need to open your heart a little more, allow yourself to be vulnerable and get back onto that dance floor.

If you are in a relationship and feel alone, ask yourself whether you need to love you a little more in order to feel the love of the person you are with. If we are unhappy in a relationship, it does not necessarily mean that it is over... it may simply need a little self love on each part for you both to feel able to love each other again.

Whether single or in a relationship, the feelings can be the same so take the time to check-in with yourself and notice whether you are loving you.

Whilst it is not necessary to wait for Valentine's to do this, let's use it as an excuse to give ourselves a little love and compassion. You can do this whether you are in a relationship or not... loving yourself doesn't end simply because you are with someone. If you continue to show yourself love and compassion whilst in a relationship, then it will continue to grow and to flourish and reach new heights of experience.

How will you choose to show yourself a little love this February 14th?!

Why not write yourself a love letter?! This may sound kinda strange, but to hell with it.."you're worth it". Have some fun, write a letter and send it to yourself detailing just what it is about you that you love, that you find appealing and comforting. What is it about you that simply wouldn't change, how generous or how kind you are?! If you find this exercise challenging, then even more reason to do it... Tell yourself that you love the you of you. That you love the essence of who you are. Let's face it, you get to choose the card that you would send to you.... 

What else can you do this Valentine's to make yourself feel valued and loved?!

What do you love doing? Treat yourself.

Do you need some pampering? Treat yourself.

What is your favourite food? Treat yourself.

Who do you enjoy spending your time with? Treat yourself. 

If you are alone... Treat yourself to your favourite movie and spend some truly quality time valuing you. 

What small gift would you buy? Treat yourself. 

Whatever you are doing this Valentine's, whatever you choose to do make sure that you are loving you, nurturing you, valuing you.

Be Your Own Valentine as much as someone else's.....

With love and nurturance, 

Nikola xx

On being super human......

"On being super human......"

The above statement is intended to be full of irony. I have been drawn to write a blog today for many different reasons so I will endeavor to keep it relevant and on point but you'll have to forgive me if I stray a little into different subject territories.

I read a blog post yesterday by someone who I think it is fair to say always has a very positive demeanour and works very closely with people on their development and whose time is spent supporting others to bring out the best in themselves and to see the positive in everything. His post was very heartfelt, open and honest as he spoke about the ending of his relationship. He admitted to feeling less than upbeat and was struggling to even post his video as the waves of emotion that were just under the surface, kept threatening to appear. He was having a down day. 

What struck me most was how powerful it is when people are honest and open regardless of whether they are struggling with their own emotions or not. His intent with his blog was to share that it is okay to feel less than positive and that it is also important to sit with the pain sometimes in order to learn the necessary lessons. This message is just as important as listening to someone who is full of beans and relaying a super-positive story.

There are two elements here that I really wish to pick up on. Firstly, it feels important for me to say that even those of us who place ourselves in a position of being a teacher, coach or similar and  strive to deliver a positive message as often as possible, also have down days.  Those of us who have chosen to light the way for other people on their journey's and to challenge and support others with their own development, also have days when we lose sight of what it is all about. We have days where all we want to do is cry. We get frustrated, angry, upset. We have to dip into our toolbag and dig deep to get us out of how we are feeling in that moment. 

I for one dislike the term guru which seems to get bandied around the self development field.. I personally don't feel that anyone is any more evolved or any more able to share their lessons and to teach their messages than any one else. It is simply a question of where each of us is on our journey and the paths we have chosen. What you have to share with someone else is unique and just as valid and valuable as the next person. Therefore, I feel it is critical and important for those of us in the field of development to show our vulnerable sides and to re-affirm that we are not super human. Or, another way of putting it is that if I am super human, so is every other human being on this planet. 

The second element that I want to pick up on is how important it is to sit with the pain sometimes. I am not talking about wallowing as that is another thing entirely. However, it is also important not to resist the feelings. For as the adage goes, "what we resist persists." Therefore, it is important to acknowledge the so-called negative feeling and ask ourselves what is it teaching us. What lessons have we learnt from this episode, this time in our lives? If we resist the "down" feeling and put on a brave face, the emotions are simply stored in a deeper part of our being and will re-emerge when another situation causes us to react in a similar way. If we choose to sit with the feeling and learn the lesson, we are in a position to be grateful for the lesson and let it pass. 

This brings me nicely onto the next point which is this... if you are struggling to get yourself out of the pain of the moment, that is okay. The simplest way to make yourself feel better in any situation is to practice gratitude. Be grateful that the situation has arisen for out of every struggle or every obstacle, we can learn and move forwards and be a more rounded human being. Also being grateful in the moment helps to release any negative tension that may have built up in the body. You'll know where you tend to feel tension and where you hold it. As soon as you remind yourself to be grateful for what you have, for who are you, for the little things in life.. you take yourself back to your heart and a place of love. Your body immediately forgets to hold onto the negative energy and you find yourself in a far better place to deal with whatever it is that life is throwing at you!!

So, allow yourself to be vulnerable and open as you don't know who you might be helping and supporting in doing so. We are all equal, simply on different journey's. Be careful not to put someone onto a pedestal as they will fall off it!!!

Practice sitting with the pain of a situation - being careful not to wallow or get into the drama of it. Do not resist. Allow yourself to feel it fully and it will pass with more grace and ease. 

And remember, if all else fails, be grateful.... we all have something to be grateful for....

Will love and gratitude to you for allowing me to share,

Nikola xx

Open Your Heart....

Love is what you feel within you, within your heart.... noone else can give you love or make you feel loved.... allow your heart to open and you will experience it fully and in all its beauty......

Following on from my last blog inviting you to truly fall in love this year, it gave me pause for thought to ask myself what love really is. It is deemed to be the highest of all vibrations, ie when we give love to something it has the power to change it on all levels. Many suggest that love is the sole reason for being here on planet earth, to experience it, to give it and to receive it. That a life without love is a life devoid of something, lacking in purpose or intensity.

So, what is love and how do we find it, how do we attain it in order to feel all of the amazing things that we are told we can feel?! I am sure that most of you reading this have felt it on some level, to a lesser or great degree.... but where did it come from?!

I stated in my last blog that "falling in love" for me this year, involved falling in love with that someone special, to fall in love with me and what I do and to love the work that I do. I also stated that it was about truly falling in love with life. How do I do that?! And how do you go about falling in love with that that you chose......

The answer is the same for all the above and for you, no matter what you chose. 

Falling in love with life for me involves more time spent in the beauty and wonder of nature. Paying attention and being in the moment. Falling in love with that someone special is for me about feeling love with another person to a depth that I may never have experienced before. Loving the work that I do is about working from a place of true passion for what I do. 

Striving to find love in these things will not bring it to me. Expecting the above to bring love into my life will not make it so. Love is not something that we can attain by trying to find it in something else or someone else. Just because someone tells you they love you does not mean that you can necessarily feel it. So if love cannot be attained in this manner, how do we experience it and how do we feel it?!

There is only one way, no matter how you wish to experience love in your life and that is by opening your own heart.

"Love is what you feel within you, within your heart.... noone else can give you love or make you feel loved.... allow your heart to open and you will experience it fully and in all its beauty......"

You can only experience love by feeling it within your own body. And the seat of love comes from having an open heart. This can feel threatening, disarming and make us feel incredibly vulnerable but it is through feeling all of these things that we can understand just how it feels to be in love. To be in love with ourselves, with nature, with other people, our lives, our jobs, our lifestyle. 

How do we open our hearts?! Set the intention within yourself that this is something you wish, desire to do. Feel the fears that arise and embrace them. Don't judge them or fight them. Accept them. Take a moment to sit quietly and focus on your breathing and take your attention to your heart space. Imagine your heart as a white light and imagine that light getter bigger and brighter and stronger and more powerful until you can imagine that light expanding outside of yourself and touching those around you and touching the world around you. Feel yourself connecting from your heart centre. The more time you take to expand and open your heart, the more aware you will become of those limiting beliefs that stop you from feeling love fully. Each time, allow the fear or limitation to rise and then simply acknowledge and let it go, without judgement. 

Open your hearts and you will feel love in a way that you have never experienced before, that I promise you. 

With an open heart, I wish you love

Nikola xx

 

Falling in Love...

Welcome to 2012...
Wherever you are reading this... just take a breath and a moment to feel at peace, to feel harmonious and to trust in the year that is about to unfold. It has the potential to be an amazing and beautiful year.


May I make one suggestion to you to help you glide gracefully into January and beyond? 
Truly fall in love this year....


For different people this will mean different things. Love is the most transformative of all energies... when we feel love or give love to a person or place or situation, it has the ability to change it unimaginably. Think about situations or feelings that you would like to see transformed, be that on a personal or global scale and know that by giving love to yourself or to the situation, that it has the power to create definitive change. Share love in whatever way you can on a daily basis... that could be as simple as sharing a smile. A smile that comes from a place of true heart-centred love and appreciation. That could be sharing a smile with someone else or it could be smiling at something in nature that captures your attention and imagination.... 


For me, truly falling in love this year is about many things....
Truly falling in love with that special someone....
Truly falling in love with me, who I am and what I stand for....
Truly falling in love with the work that I do.....


And ultimately to truly fall in love with life.... I fully intend to open my heart up to life in a way that I have never done before and this both terrifies and excites me... for that in itself will bring its own challenges of letting go of past behaviours and beliefs but it will also open up a whole new world of limitless possibilities. 


To love is to be fully alive.....


What are you going to fall in love with this year?!


Your partner, in falling in love,
Nikola x

Being Open and Letting Love In...

"The love you seek is hidden deep inside you

And you alone have the power to set it free

You gotta learn to love you each and every moment

Love to love the you that’s there inside"

 I've been on an incredibly interesting, illuminating and intriguing journey in the last year. It's been a mixture of pleasure and pain, high's and low's, enlightening moments and moments of shere frustration. It has culminated this December in a much deeper understanding of just how important it is to be open and to truly understand just what it means to love and to let love in...

I was having a conversation with a beautiful friend this week about values that we hold most closely to us. One of mine has always been about being open, transparent if you will. Before I continue... let me ask you - what value or values do you hold above all others. If you are not sure how to answer this... make a list of about ten, that may include things like courage, justice, honesty, freedom and then see which of those you would be prepared to trade and the one or two you would not give up for any price. Once you have answered this, I want you to be very, very honest with yourself.  How much do you live this value authentically in your life? 


I ask this question because it became apparent to me recently that whilst I have always thought of myself as being very open and true to this esteemed value of mine, it was actually the value that I needed to work on the most. Through this year, a series of events and situations have called for me to stand in my power and stand in my truth and I have chosen to be more open and more transparent than ever before. It hasn't necessarily been that comfortable but out of allowing myself to be vulnerable, I have gained greater riches than I could have dared to hope for. 

People around me are more open, I am attracting more open people into my life. I am finding myself having ever more open conversations and my heart feels more fulfilled. I am starting to truly understand what happens when you start to let love in.... Every moment, every conversation can be an experience of love when you are open. A friend shared this quote with me this week; 

"Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence......"

Every moment has the potential to be magical.


Life and people are simply a mirror of who we are and how we feel about ourselves.... so I urge you to take the time to recognise those values that you hold dear. See where you could shine a light on your highest values and allow yourself to go within and ask the question, are you truly honouring that value in all that you are, do and speak?! If not, then try it out... allow yourself to be vulnerable and live this value moment by moment and await the rewards that the Universe will bring to you.


In Openness and Love, 
Nikola xx